It is more advantageous to have an ambitious goal than to have a realistic goal.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
disagree
First of all, having an ambitious goal can cause people to get stressed. To be more specific, when people realize that it looks difficult or impossible to achieve their goal, they are likely to feel depressed and get stressed, which as a result it makes them to lose an interest in attaining their goal. 스트레스를 받아서 목표실현의 의욕을 잃게 된다는 내용흐름이 적절합니다. 이 과정에서 ambitious goal은 현실적인 목표와 달리 실현하기 어렵거나 불가능할 수도 있다는 전제를 먼저 설명해주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. In order to prove this, the study was conducted in two groups of studetns for two students by Korea Education Research Center in 2013. “A” student group A was forced to establish a very ambitious goal which seemed nearly impossible for the students him. “B” student group, on the other hand, was asked to have a realistic goal which required them a few efforts to attain it. Not long after, “A” student students in group A were was able to realize that the goal that they had established was a very difficult goal for them, and then they started to get stressed and to lose any interest in attaining their goal. On the contrary, students in the latter group “B” student could easily feel a sense of satisfaction whenever they he achieved the goal, as a result their his education educational accomplishment was very higher than ever before. Through this study, it clearly proved to me that having an ambitious goal has a very big negative effect. 적절한 내용의 예증자료입니다. 내용전달이 명확해지도록 수일치 표현에 유의해주세요.
Second, establishing a realistic goal plays an important role in prompting people`s potential abilities. In other words, whenever people achieve their goal, they tend to feel a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment, which as a result causes them to better concentrate on their goal. Of course, as they focus and spend more time on attaining their goal, their abilities will be definitely improved. 내용 흐름이 매끄럽습니다. 성취감을 통해 집중력을 이끌어낼 수 있고 구체적이고 현실적인 계획을 수행해가면서 점차 일을 처리하는 요령도 생긴다, 하는 식으로 잠재력을 강조하는 표현을 더 강조해주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. To illustrate, when I was younger, my math teacher gave me a goal, just like homework, every day, which was so easy and realistic that I could finish the homework within a day. Whenever I completed the goal every day, I felt a sense of accomplishment and I could gain a big self-confidence about in a math subject, which used to be my one of the hard subjects. I started to gain so interest in studying a math subject, so that I finally got high math score on an the math exam. Through this my experience, I realized that having a realistic goal can induce a positive effect on me. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 단순히 흥미를 갖게 되었다는 표현보다는 수학에 대한 나의 '잠재력'으로 연결짓는 편이 문단의 unity면에서 더 좋습니다. 계속해서 숙제를 해 나가면서 수학에 흥미를 가졌더니 다각도에서 사고하는 방법을 기르게 되었다, 하는 식으로 보완해줄 수 있지요.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–27)
전반적으로 논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 main idea들이 좋습니다. 논증으로 풀어내는 과정의 설명도 유기적으로 잘 연결되어 있습니다. 지금까지 쓰신 글 중에 제일 흐름이 잘 잡혀 있는 것 같아요^^ 사례 내용을 구체화할 때에도 문단의 main idea와 연결될 수 있도록 내용을 다듬어주세요. 문법오류나 어색한 문장만 좀 더 수정하신다면 충분히 더 높은 점수도 가능할 거예요^^ 채점항목과 코멘트 참고하셔서 글 검토해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!