People can benefit more from traveling around their own countries than traveling to foreign countries.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
As transportation means developed, people can now travel all around the world with no difficulty. It seems that many people these days try to go abroad when they have chance to travel. However, there are more benefits when traveling domestically than traveling to foreign countries.
To begin with, it is much comfortable and easy to travel within one's home country than to travel to other countries. One of the biggest hardships people face when going abroad is communication. Since people cannot learn all the languages in the world, usually people do not know the language of the country they are traveling to. For this reason, everything people do such as buying things or eating at a restaurant is very difficult. On the other hand, when one travels within his own country, he is less likely to confront these kinds of problems since the language is his first language. 언어적인 불편이 없기 때문에 더 편하고 쉬운 여행이 된다는 장점이 명확하게 드러나는 점이 좋습니다. idea나 설명 내용 모두 적절합니다. For example, my friend Bob loves to travel. He does do not care which country he travels to. However, he prefers to travel traveling within Korea which is his country to traveling other countries. * prefer는 기본적으로 to-v와 사용하지만, 등위접속사 to와 연결하기 위해 traveling one's own country to traveling other countries로 수정했습니다. The reason is simply because it is easy to communicate with people. Since Korea is his home country, it is not a big problem to get lost or encounter some problems whereas in foreign countries, if he gets lost, it is really difficult to find his way since he cannot read the signs or understand what people are saying. Once when he went to China, he thought people in China could speak English. So when he went to the department store in China, he asked the clerk questions to a clerk in English. Unfortunately, that clerk could not speak English well. He ended up buying nothing and just came back to his hotel. 앞 부분에서 충분히 국내여행이 언어로 인한 불편함이 적어 더 좋다는 내용을 뒷받침했으므로 밑줄 친 내용은 없어도 될 것 같아요.
On top of this, it is much cheaper when traveling domestically. Even though transportation develops, still an airplane ticket the ticket for airplane is still expensive. In addition to this, people would have to pay for everything such as accommodation, food, and transportation. Yet, domestic travels do not need an airplane ticket. People can take alternative transportation such as car, subway, or bus which is much cheaper. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. For instance, my friend Mark wanted to go on a trip during his summer vacation. Sadly, he could not afford an airplane ticket. So he chose to travel within his country. He was very satisfied with that trip because the trip cost very little. Whenever he sees a person who gives up to travel because of financial problem, he strongly recommends domestic trip since it does not need a lot of money. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요. 단순히 관련 사례를 제시하기만 하고 마무리하는 것보다 '이처럼 정말로 내 주장이 맞다'는 식으로 논지를 한 번 더 강조하며 문단을 마무리짓는 편이 설득력과 전달력을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다. body1과의 분량 균형을 맞추는 데도 도움이 되겠지요.
Because traveling in one's own country gives has monetary benefits and convenience more comfortable, I prefer to travel around in my own country to foreign countries.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (20–25)
말씀하신 것처럼 두 body의 분량은 비슷한 편이 좋습니다. 큰 감점의 요인이 되지는 않지만 [단계적 구성]을 잘 보여주는 글이라면 논증 분량이나 사례 분량에서 큰 차이를 보이지 않겠지요. body1에서는 사례 내용이 필요 이상으로 길어진 부분이 있으니 이 부분을 줄이고, body2에서는 사례 내용이나 설명 부분을 살짝 보완하는 형태로 improve하시면 균형을 맞추기 좋을 것 같아요. 기본적으로 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 idea나 논리 흐름이 잘 잡혀 있으니 적절하게 두 body의 균형을 맞추는 부분만 체크해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 새해에도 화이팅!