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“Present is the best present for us.” Like this phrase, many people think that the present is the most important period. However, the past has same value as much as the present have.(주제를 앞부분에 정확히 명시해 주는 형식 좋습니다.) Therefore, I strongly believe that learning about the past has a positive effect on us. (문장을 끊고 다시 시작 하시는것이 더 명확해 보입니다.)Because of these three reasons: (3가지 이유를 First, Second, Third 를 사용하여 완벽한 문장을 구사해 주세요) Ex. We can learn from the past mistake we had made. learn from our past mistakes, understand the past is easier to understand present, and gain more respect for nation.( gain more respect for nation? 의미가 불분명합니다.)
Above all, history allows people to avoid repeating same mistakes. People cannot be perfect, so many unacceptable blunders which give rise to terrible result have existed since the mankind lives in the Earth. People can realize what will be happened to them if they do the same thing again by seeing the precedent. ( 1. 문장이 너무 불필요하게 깁니다. 정확하게 말하고 싶은 포인트를 잡는것이 어렵습니다. 간결하게 쓰는 연습을 필요로 합니다.2. 불필요한 접속 어구가 많습니다. ex. since, if, by) Then, there is little probability that people keep making mistakes. By way of illustration, the two world wars have been the most horrendous case ever they made. It kills and injuries (need verb not noun) innumerable people. By knowing about the two world wars, people have been aware of seriousness of the war and they made the organization, called “United Nation”, to prevent doing same mistakes. Thus, people should study the past, and thereby they are likely to reduce the number of mistakes that they will make.( 예를 든건 좋으나.. 너무나 무거운 예를 간결하게 5문장으로 표현이 잘 안될 수 있습니다. 좀 더 명확한 예시를 )
Furthermore, it is impossible to comprehend the current situation completely unless we understand the past. The present can be existed (being 이란 걸 사용하여 문장 구사해 보세요,not can be )because the past was existed. For that reason, the causes of the recent event are seen in the past. For instance, Korea and Japan had an argument about dominium problem of Dokdo and problem of enforced sex slaves. Their strong assertions are based on historical evidences. Provided that we learn the history, we can grasp the grounds of this argument and win at argument.( 역시 좀더 간략하고 명료한 문장 구사가 요구됩니다, example이 너무 타당성이 낮습니다.) Therefore, studying the past forms the foundation of understanding the latest circumstance.
Lastly, national history inspires patriotism. Whether they want or not, people are influenced by government. People can live satisfying life in own country when they are proud of their country. (이 문장이 마지막 단락의 주제문장 입니다. 좀 더 전달력 있는 간결하고 핵심을 주세요) The patriotism come comes from knowing the history. As an example, my ancestors were highly intelligent and gallant. They invented the first printing skill and many scientific technologies. They always fought against the enemy, not surrender to them. After I learned about these facts, I am really proud of my country and appreciate that I live in this advanced nation. Consequently,(역시 접속사, 사용이 너무 많고 상황에 맞지 않습니다. 접속사 사용에 신중해주세요) history provides the pride of own country that lead to no discontent at with the government.
To sum up, learning the history prevent from doing same mistakes and it also help helps to understand these situations. Moreover, it makes people to love their country more. For these reasons, I think the past has enough value to study hard.e
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
writing 구조나 틀을 잡는것은 훈련이 잘 되어있으나, 거기에 적합한 접속사, 문법 등이 아직 미숙한 것 같습니다.
그리고 주제 문장을 뒷받침 해주는 예시들을 더 명확히 표현할 필요가 있습니다.
수고 하셨습니다.