When people succeed, it is because of their hard work. Luck has nothing to do with their success. do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? use specific reasons and examples to explain your position
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
People have contradictory ideas about success. Some disagree disagrees with the statement that success has nothing to do with their success. They believe luck is the important component of success: environment is always variable. So people can be affected by the environment. However, I agree with the idea that hard work can make one succeed and luck has nothing to do with their success for following two reasons.
Firstly, hard work makes people resistant to the environment around people. If people work or study hard, they become resistant from their surroundings. They do not get affected by their circumstances. They can get power to win over the bad luck by working hard. In my experience, I studied very hard for the exam. I started to study for the test about 3 weeks ago. so I memorized everything in the textbook. But I had a bad luck on the test day. It was because I caught a bad cold at on that day. I solved the problem blaming the god for having me a bad cold on the important day. I expected my grades grade would be very low because I was not feeling well. But unlike my expectation, I got the perfect score on every subject. so I realized that hard work could overcome even the unlucky fate. 노력과 성공보다는 'luck'에 초점이 맞춰진 것 같아요. 성공은 운보다 노력에 의한 것이라는 점을 설명해야 하므로 '노력'과 '성공'에 대한 논리를 풀어내야 합니다. 노력하면 운이 나쁜 것을 극복할 수 있다는 설명은 '성공'에 도움이 되는 점이 아니라 '불운'을 극복하는 내용에 가깝지요. '성공'을 topic으로 하는 글이므로 논점에 맞게 흐름을 다듬어주세요. 예를 들어 착실히 노력하면 환경적인 변수에 휘둘릴 위험이 적은데, 단순히 운이 좋은 경우에는 의외의 변수나 상황에 쉽게 대비하기 어렵다, 하는 식으로 논리를 풀어내고 예시에서 사용한 감기와 시험 등의 요소를 활용해서 정리해보셔도 좋을 것 같아요.
Secondly, hard work gives people confidence. Confidence is the important component of the success. Without confidence, there is less chance to succeed. success. Confidence gives people faith that no matter what happens, they will succeed. If people don't do their best, they may become anxious or feel nervous about the outcome they will get. However, if they work hard, they get confidence that they will succeed in their filed. 성공할 수 있다는 자신감이 성공을 만든다는 논리부분이 약간 어색한 것 같아요. '성공'과 연결되는 '자신감'을 설명한 것은 좋지만, 성공할 수 있다는 자신감이 왜 사람을 성공하게 하는지에 대한 설명이나 노력하면 자신감을 가질 수 있는 이유가 부족하고, 성공/자신감/성공이 되풀이되는 구조 때문에 내용이 clear하지 못하다는 인상을 줄 수 있습니다. [노력->성공할 수 있다는 자신감->성공]으로 단계를 나누기보다 노력 자체가 성공에 도움이 되는 이유를 생각해보시면 풀어내기 더 쉬울 것 같아요. According to some research based on their interviews, out of 15 ceos who are successful in Korea, 13 CEOs responded that confidence was is their key factor to success. One CEO, who is Lee Kun-hee, responded with his experience that after thorough research and hard work, he began to realize that IT field would will be the future bright a promising industry. However, he had a lack of support and or skills to start getting into the IT field. But his hard work gave him the confidence that he would will succeed in the IT field. so He started investing money in the It field, and Samsung Sam-sung became becomes the number one IT corporation. 마찬가지로 '노력'과 '자신감' 사이의 연결고리나 '자신감'과 '성공'사이의 연결고리가 충분하지 않으므로 설득력이 떨어집니다. idea를 정리해보시고 적절한 내용으로 재구성해주세요.
In one's path to success, luck has no influence. It is because hard work makes people resilient from their bad fate and gives confidence that they will succeed under whatever circumstances they may be in.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–22)
각 body의 idea가 좀 더 명확하게 전달될 수 있도록 논지를 정리해주세요. '노력'이 어떻게 성공에 필요한 끈기와 자신감을 길러주는지, 끈기와 자신감이 왜 성공에 도움을 주는지를 분명히 설명하지 못하면 설득력이 떨어지게 됩니다. 논리를 쉽게 풀어낼 수 있는 idea들로 재구성해보거나 현재 idea들의 연결고리를 잘 구성해서 논리력을 높여주는 방향으로 improve해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!