Professional athletes do not deserve to the high salaries that they are paid.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
A controversial issue at hand is whether professional athletes deserve high salaries. For one thing, they are the most important people of all the public figures in the world. For the hard work and benefits they bring to society, it is no surprise to me that professional athletes should be rewarded greatly. My insistence is based on three reasons; the potential value of famous athletes, their contribution of entertainment, and their positive influence on communities.
To begin with, professional athletes are an important financial contributor. Superbowl games, for instance, will attract many fans and visitors and earn high income for the state where the game is played. Such publicity and financial value of sport teams and players is astronomical. For the support of fans and advancing advancement in the league, the foundation of each team will invest much money and train its players and staffs hard. As an icon of admiration and popularity, famous athletes possess great financial value in attracting sports fans and promoting their teams and states. 단순히 많은 팬을 끌어들이고 팀을 발전시킨다는 점만 설명해서는
In addition, athletes can entertain game fans greatly. No other celebrities celebrity give fans as much excitement and joy as the professional athletes can provide. Many people are overpowered by daily pressures and stress from work. Watching sports games and cheering their favorite teams and players, they will have a good time. They forget about the daily stress for a while and feel great excitement and exhilaration from the games played out by famous athletes. 마찬가지로 사람들이 스트레스를 풀도록 해주는 것과 <많은 봉급을 받을만 하다>라는 나의 입장이 연결되어야 합니다. 설명내용을 보완해주시고, 주장을 support할 수 있는 사례도 보완해주세요. 현재 문단은 body paragraph라 보기에는 분량이 부족합니다.
Lastly, professional athletes can serve important roles to our community. A majority of athletes take part in volunteering for isolated, needy groups of people in society. They visit child care centers and various charity organizations to deliver love and hope to those in need. As professional athletes are a famous icon that people admire and wish to meet, they can bring people hope for life, dreams, and gratitude toward society. That is, they play a role that most of ordinary people cannot do suffice and thus deserve great reward and remuneration in fulfilling this purpose. 많은 운동선수들이 사회에 긍정적인 영향을 준다는 점에서 deserve하다는 입장을 피력하는 것은 적절하지만, 대부분의 운동선수가 봉사활동을 해서 사람들에게 긍정적인 영향을 준다는 설명은 설득력이 떨어집니다. 많은 봉급을 받는 운동선수들이 모두 사회공헌 활동을 하는 것도 아니고, 무엇보다 운동선수들이 봉급을 댓가로 하는 '일'에 해당하지 않기 때문에 연결이 어색하게 느껴질 수 있지요.
Many a people will be amazed by high average salaries of famous athletes, but most of them will be eventually convinced of the reason. why. I will not object to paying professional athletes high due to their ability to promote and prosper the society, to serve entertainment to fans, and to deliver a message to isolated people in community.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (15–18)
기본적인 idea들은 모두 좋습니다. 다만 각 주장을 뒷받침하는 설명과 사례 내용이 다소 약합니다. 논제에 대한 답변으로 연결할 수 있게끔 설명과 사례 내용을 보완해주세요. 가장 설득력있는 idea를 정해보시고 body를 2개로 줄여서 분량을 조절해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. body문단을 구성할 때에는 과하게 내용을 덧붙여서 분량을 만들기보다 main idea문장/ 그에 대한 설명 3-5문장 정도 / 관련 사례 3-5문장 정도의 기준을 정해두고 시간배분 하시면서 간결한 <단계적 설명>에 초점을 두는 것이 좋습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!