All high school students should take a course in basic economics.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether all high school students should learn about rudimentary economics. The answer to this question can vary greatly depending on individual perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned, I agree with the statement. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows.
To begin with, studying economics is likely to allow high school students to save a large amount of money when they get into 20s. The concepts of supply and demand which basically constitute economics teach students how to deal with financial stuff properly. 경제를 배우면 20대에 돈을 많이 모을 수 있다는 주장은 논리적 비약에 가깝습니다. 경제를 배우면 돈을 '아끼는 법'을 알 수 있게 되지만 실제로 이를 실행에 옮기는 것은 다른 이야기가 되지요. 돈의 가치에 대해 배울 수 있다, 하는 정도로만 idea를 다듬고 돈의 가치를 배우는 것이 왜 중요한지를 설명하는 형태로 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. Take my family experience as an illustration. As a bank manager, my dad frequently had imparted the importance of money based on beginning of economics to me and my older sister since money was something byproducts of his painstaking efforts. Difficult may It seemed difficult seem to us at the age of sixteen, I gradually grasped grasp what my dad tried to teach us as I grew up. After a few years, having gotten accepted to my university, I obtained a part-time job and eventually could appreciate the value of money that I spent a lot of endeavor and time into. Consequently, the lessons from my dad rendered me more financially successful, compared to classmates who have not been interested in money in this economic flow. 사례 내용은 적절합니다. 주장-설명 내용을 다듬어서 적절하게 연결해주세요.
On top of that, economics is not only necessary, but also requisite for high school students to understand the socio-cultural fields that university students may major in. This is attributed to the reason that economics economic is interwound intertwined with majors of business, statistics and mathematics, to name just a few. 사회문화전공에 도움이된다는 주장은 적용 범위가 국한되어 있기 때문에 설득력이 약합니다. 사회문화분야를 전공하지 않는 학생들에게는 꼭 필요하지 않다는 입장으로도 연결될 수 있고요. 사회문화로 범위를 좁히기보다는 고등학교를 졸업하고 나서 사회에 진출하거나 대학에 진학했을 때 다루게 될 많은 분야들이 경제와 연관되어 있기 때문에 미래의 커리어에도 도움이된다는 식으로 흐름을 확장해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. According to a university of California at Berkeley, two groups of middle and high school students were studied on the relationship between their overall knowledge about economy and their GPA in 5 years later. Group A was composed of some students taught principles of economics and group B was others who have not studied economics. Although the two groups of students tried to do their the best to study in each field of university, group A was found to outperform the counterpart since acquired knowledge on economics served as such useful function that they did not have to set aside time to learn easy economics related to other social and cultural studies. Therefore, had it not been for the case that they could not have an opportunity to meet economics in middle or high school, they would have had lower GPA in university. 적절한 사례 내용입니다. 사례 내용이 주장과 관련해 infer하는 점을 정리하는 형태로 마무리해주세요.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons mentioned above. Once again, although the verdict may still be out, I believe that the two of my rationales above are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the viewpoint of a majority of people who are in favor of my claim.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
주장 내용이 명확하지 않습니다. 사례 내용이 명확하게 고등학교에서의 기초 경제학수업의 필요성을 시사해주듯이, 주장과 설명 내용도 좀 더 설득력을 가지고 연결되도록 수정해주세요. 주장-설명 부분의 논리만 improve되어도 훨씬 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!