There might be some people who believe that a strict and serious teacher is more effective than a humorous teacher. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. First, with a humorous teacher, students can improve their performance more effectively. Second, students can be given more useful advices and instructions by an easy going teacher. (가능한 수동태는 피해주세요. Students can get ~ from teachers.로 쓸 수 있습니다.)
First of all, a humorous teacher
can improve student’s academic performance more effectively. Usually, students
like humorous classes. A humorous teacher can convey knowledge to their
students by making students interested in the subjects. According to recent
research done by EBG academic institute, 80% of the respondents said that they got a higher grade on the subjects that they learned
from humorous teachers. a subject that they
can learn with a humorous teacher was deserved a good grade. (예시로 survey한 내용의 결과를 말해주는 부분이기 때문에 can 등의
표현으로 약한 tone을 쓰는 것 보다는 ~한 결과가 나왔다는
것을 정확하게 말하는 편이 좋습니다. 그리고 수동태를 피하기 위해 주어를 students로 잡는 것이 좋습니다.) This is because they generally study the subject that they like first. This clearly shows that
student’s performance has relevance to teacher’s humorousness
whether teacher is humorous.
Second, An easy going teacher can
give more suitable advices and instructions. A teacher should have a good
understanding of their student’s needs and their
character by having to have a good relationship with their students.
Students can approach an easy going teacher more easily, so students can ask
questions more comfortably. Let me bring up my personal story as an example.
When I was in high school, I met teacher who was not only a humorous but also easy going. The teacher was
very comfortable for me, so I could often ask the teacher for advice about my
way. By talking with the teacher, I could find my favorite field, and now I can enjoy my major, architect.
In conclusion a humorous and easy going teachers can not only
improve their student’s performance but also make
students to feel comfortable asking advice. (앞의 내용에서는
학생들이 편하게 느끼고 advice를 물어보는 내용이었기 때문에 선생님이 준다는것보다는 학생들이 물어보기
편하다고쓰는게 좋을 것 같아요.) give advice to their students easier
than a strict and serious teacher. For
these reasons, I firmly believe that a teacher who is humorous and easygoing is
more effective than a teacher who is serious and strict.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
전반적인 내용은 topice에 잘 연관되어서 잘 쓰신 것 같습니다. 문법적으로도 큰 문제가 없지만 문장의 tone에 조금 주의하시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 자신의 주장을 말하거나 과거의 사실을 말할때는 가급적 ‘can’은 안쓰는 게 좋습니다. 그리고 문장구조/어휘의 다양성을 기를 수 있도록 연습 해 보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 비슷한 문장구조와 어휘가 반복적으로 사용되고 있습니다.
수고하셨습니다.