It is better to watch serious movies that are designed to make you think than to watch movies that are primarily designed to amuse or entertain.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people think that it is is always better to watch serious movies that are designed to make people think. However, in my opinion, it is better to watch movies that are primarily designed to amuse or entertain for several reasons : to live a healthy lives and to socialize with people easily. 주제와 나의 입장을 간결하게 잘 소개한 서론입니다.
To begin with, watching movies that are made to amuse or entertain helps people to live healthy lives. While watching the movie with happiness and laughter, people tend to forget about their worries and be distracted to think from thinking seriously about their problems. Therefore, by watching the movie, people are able to relieve stress and live a healthy life eventually. 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. There was an experiment done by Seoul National University to see whether the mood of the movies affects affect people in different ways. They divided people into two the groups into two, Group A watched a sad movie while the other group watched a humorous movie. They did survey and health check up before and after watching the movie. The researchers came to a conclusion that those who watched a sad movie had some stress after watching as they were so into the story that they got to worry about the situation as well with the character in the movie. On the other hand, those who watched a fun movie the fun movies were able to relieve stress, showing a decrease in stress level. Researchers also found out from the survey that people in Group B people felt less worrisome worried and anxious after watching the movie. This implies that movies that made to amuse or entertain help people to live a healthy lives by relieving stress. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 적절한 내용의 연구결과를 구체적으로 잘 풀어서 설명한 부분입니다. 굿굿^^
In addition, movies that are designed to amuse and entertain helps people to socialize easily with other people. When people do something together, they get chances to be more friendly with each other having fun time laughing and entertaining movies will be helpful in this way even more. They got chances to spend time together watching and also got to talk about the movies. By sharing some thoughts about the same movie they watched, they will feel more connected and be close with one another more. 즐거움을 주는 영화를 통해 사람들과 잘 지낼 수 있다는 idea를 단계적으로 잘 설명한 부분입니다. To be specific, there was a research done by Seoul University to find out if the types of movies affect people's behavior. They had two groups watching either sad or entertaining movies with new people. After finished watching the movie, those who watched the entertaining movie became friends easily, sharing and talking about the fun scenes in the movie. However, people who watched the sad movie were not easy to be friends as they were either busy hiding their feelings or because they were so into the movie that they needed some time to calm down again. This shows that when people are happy and in a good mood through entertaining movies, they are more likely to open their mind and easily become friends. 적절한 내용의 연구결과입니다. 다만 body1에서도 비슷한 내용의 연구결과를 설명했으므로 자료의 다양성을 보여주기 위해서 보도자료나 전문가의 코멘트를 인용하는 식으로 형태를 바꾸어서 제시한다면 더 좋을 것 같아요. 문장을 구성하는 단어가 계속해서 중복되고 있으니 같은 뜻의 다른 단어나 문형 등에 변형을 줘서 다양한 단어 활용을 보여줄 수 있도록 해주세요.
In conclusion, watching movies that are designed to amuse or entertain people is better because it helps people to live a healthy lives without stress and socialize with others well.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
전반적으로 논리적 흐름이나 적절한 사례 사용 면에서 잘 쓴 글이라고 할 수 있습니다. 충분히 good level 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 앞에서 설명했듯이 예증 자료의 출처를 다르게 해서 신빙성을 높여주시고 같은 단어의 반복적인 사용 대신 다양한 단어를 활용해서 글을 구성해준다면 좋겠습니다. 글을 작성할 때 마지막에 문법 실수들을 체크할 시간 여유를 가질 수 있게끔 조절하면서 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ abc님 화이팅!