It is suggested that home schooling is better than learning at school. Although it is true that home school can give more benefit to a child on the reasons that a child might be taken care by parents more oftenly and be taught on a personalized basis, I would insist that it is hard to say that home schooling can provide all essential curriculums essentially learned by a child and other important requirements such as courtesy between the senior and the junior. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my ideas.
Most of all, home schooling cannot replenish provide a child with diverse range of curricula like art subject among friends, exercise subject with classmates and language practice between teachers and students. (각 subject에 대한 수식어구의 의미가 어색합니다. 그리고 예시를 나열할 경우 like 보다는 such as를 쓰는 게 조금 더 격식적입니다.) In other words, a child can acquire knowledge and experience through more individualized class run by parents, and however he or she a child cannot learn the interaction interacting activity through home schooling. Particularly in school, according to the scheduled timetable all students go outside to exercise or staying stay inside to study teacher's lesson. (문장이 무슨 주장을 하는 것인지 정확하지 않습니다.) On the other hand, a child taught at home is likely to stay indoors most of studying time and as a result, he or she cannot play with classmates in view of a sense of fellowship. In this regard, teaching at school is better than home schooling.
l 전반적으로 문단의 의미가 중구난방 한 느낌입니다. 조금 더 정확하게 이유를 말하고 거기에 focus하는 게 좋겠네요. 예를 들면, 학교를 가면 home school과는 다르게 다양한 수업을 들을 수 있다. (친구들과의 interaction이야기는 두번째 이유이기 때문에 이 문단에서는 쓰지 마세요.) home school에서는 부모님의 knowledge가 cover하는 분야만 배울 수 있다면 학교에서는 각 분야의 specialized 선생님들이 있어서 다양하게 배울 수 있다는 등의 이야기를 써 주셔야 합니다.
Moreover, with the respect to the fact that education is not placed solely on the knowledge itself, a child should be able to grow more holistically through school education. In other words, a child can be well educated to behave decently in front of the senior by meeting a teacher in a daily school life or foster desirable friendship between classmates by mingling with as many friends in a school as possible. (문장이 너무 길어집니다. 두개의 문장으로 쓰는 게 좋습니다. 1문장에 1가지 이야기를 하는 게 가장 좋은 방법 입니다.) Addditionally, a child can be trained to do well in the future society because a school is a microcosom of our society. In this respect, school education is believed to have a great role in fostering a child's hollistic growth.
In a summary, I would disagree with the statement that home schooling is better than school education on account of reasons that I mentioned above. Not only does school education provide more diverse curricula that a child is essentially required to enroll, but it also has a significant role of fostering a child's hollistic growth by allowing him or her to live a daily class life among teachers and classmates.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
단어스펠링에 주의해주세요. 에세이를 다 쓴 후 proof reading을 하는 게 좋습니다. Topic에 대한 정확한 이유를 써주세요. 한 paragraph당 한가지의 이유를 써야합니다. 1번이유와 2번이유를 섞지 마세요. 그리고 문장을 쓸 때, 한 문장의 주제는 한가지여야 합니다. 너무 여러 개를 섞어서 한문장에 넣으려 하면 문장의 clarity가 떨어지고 가독성이 떨어져서 좋지 않아요.