Being happy with a job is more important than having a high salary.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
A large number of people might argue that having a job with happiness is more important than a job with high salary. Contrary to the popular belief, I believe that it is better to have a job with high salary than happiness for the following reasons: to work better and to maintain health.
First of all, getting high salary can play a more efficient role in improving work efficiency than getting happiness with job. This is attributed to the fact that money can serve as one of the key motivators for them to perform better and to improve themselves. With such motivation, they will put in more effort, concentrate better on their tasks, and feel more responsible for their work. According to the Ministry of Labor in 2009, there was a huge difference between two groups of employees in achievement. Employees in Group A had have jobs with higher income and those in Group B had have jobs that just satisfying them and lower wages. The researchers showed that the former group spent more hours working by 25 percent and performed higher than the latter group. In particular, the employees in Group A followed instructions, submitted assignments on time, and participated actively in group meetings. On the other hand, those in Group B dozed off and lacked focus while working. This implies that working with high salaries has a direct correlation with the amount of effort and energy in working. 돈이 많은 직업이 업무효율이 높다는 idea나 설명 자체는 적절하게 응용되어 있습니다. 다만 논제가 묻는 점은 개인에게 있어 만족스러운 일을 하는 것과 돈을 많이 버는 것 중 어떤 직업이 더 좋은지를 묻고 있기 때문에 그 직업을 가진 개인이 어떤 이점을 누리는가를 설명하는 것이 뉘앙스에 더 맞을 것 같아요. body2에서 '건강'에 도움이 된다는 개인적인 이점을 설명했듯이 body1에서도 개인적으로 가질 수 있는 이점을 생각해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다.
In addition, having a job getting high salary can be more important because it can help people them to stay healthy. This is attributed to the fact that money guarantees a stress-free life, while job with less money and only given happiness can stress people out by making them worry about how to make ends meet. Moreover, stress is one of the main factors of diseases through weakening the immune system. 스트레스가 건강에 나쁘다는 점을 들어 '돈이 풍족해서 스트레스 없는 삶을 사는 것이 중요하다'는 점을 피력할 수는 있지만, 스트레스가 주요 논점이 되지 않도록 주의해주세요. 어디까지나 높은 봉급의 직업이 건강에 중요하다는 점에 초점이 가 있어야 합니다. moreover와 같이 새로운 주장을 제기하는 뉘앙스의 표현보다는 '스트레스가 면역체계를 떨어뜨려서 건강에 해를 주는 요인인 만큼, 돈을 충분히 버는 직장을 선택해서 스트레스 적은 삶을 사는 것은 중요하다.'하는 식으로 주장을 강조하는 표현으로 다듬어주면 더 좋겠지요. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2010, a test on mice showed that life span was shortened when they regularly underwent a series of electric shocks. Interestingly, the researchers found a link between this and human beings who suffered from periodic stress. This implies that high stress levels coming from the lack of money can have negatively effect on humans, resulting in as shorter life span.
In brief, although happiness is important for people to live their life, it is more necessary to have jobs with high salary for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of deciding to job according to money cannot be underestimated in success in life.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–26)
논제에 맞게 모델에세이를 잘 응용한 글입니다. 코멘트한 것처럼 논제가 요구하는 내용의 뉘앙스에 더 잘 들어맞게 idea를 구상해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 실전에서도 모델에세이를 활용하실 계획이라면 최대한 다양한 논제에 맞게 활용하는 연습을 꾸준히 해주시기 바랍니다^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!