it is more advantageous for children to grow up in rural areas than in big cities.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Although living in a big city has its advantages and disadvantages, I firmly believe that for children, it is much better to live in big cities than in rural areas cities for two reasons.
First of all, children can broaden their perspective toward the world by multiple experiences gained from living in big cities. The reason is that in big cities, many educational and cultural facilities are available, such as an art centers and museums, which are is hardly found in small cities. In one's childhood where when one's personality and view are fixed, it is significant to see and feel as many things as possible. The valuable experience can influence to one's entire life. 견문을 넓히기에 좋다는 주장과 설명은 적절하지만, 중간에 갑자기 성격과 관점이 형성된다는 설명은 논점을 어긋나게 만들 수도 있으니 유의해주세요. 시야가 넓어져서 좋다는 주장으로 초점을 모을 수 있도록 설명을 다듬어주는 편이 좋겠습니다. To take my personal example, I had lived in a small island in Korea called Jeju-do until I was eight years old. There was nothing to do except for playing at the beach in the sea with friends. After moving in a relatively big city, Daejeon, I first visited and watched a piano concert in an art center. From then, I dreamed to be a pianist and was able to have piano lessons in a music academy. I was also surprised to see that children in the big city studied study and practice even after school, not just hanging out with friends. It is not overrated to say that the experience of visiting the art center totally changed my life, since I am majoring in a piano performance for my master degree. If I had not moved to it were not for living in a big city, I would not have been able to see the new world and have good education. Therefore, it is beneficial for children to live in big cities. 대도시에 가서 견문이 넓어진다기보다는 누리지 못했던 것을 누리게 되고 새 꿈을 갖게 되었다는 내용에 더 가까운 것 같아요. 꿈을 갖게 되었다는 흐름보다는 모르던 것들을 알게 되고 견문이 넓어졌다는 흐름을 분명히 보여주세요. 아이들이 방과후에도 공부하는 것을 보고 놀랐다는 대목은 사실상 불필요한 사족에 해당합니다.
On top of that, parents can properly and quickly provide children with what they want and need in big cities. This is because, in rural areas, public facilities such as schools and hospitals are insufficient due to the underpopulation. 아이들이 필요한 것을 빠르고 적절하게 제공할 수 있다는 점 자체는 reasonable하지만, 다소 적용범위가 넓게 느껴집니다. 의료시설과 교육이 아이들을 기르는 데 가장 중요한데 도시에 이게 잘 돼있다, 하는 식으로 어느 정도 범위 설정을 해두는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. For example, when a child is sick and needs instant help, parents in a small city may have to drive for an a hour to go to a hospital. A survey clearly shows showed this respect. Parents who moved in one of big cities from rural areas cities said that it was hard to provide children with proper education and health care, because many schools and hospitals were are far away from their houses in rural areas. On the other hand, they can choose the best school and hospital 집에서 멀리 떨어져 있다는 것과 시설이 좋다는 것은 대응되지 않으므로 논리에 맞지 않습니다. 시설이 낙후되어 있고 수도 많지 않다는 점을 지적하고, 도시는 그 반대로 이러이러해서 시설도 잘 돼 있고 접근성도 좋다, 하는 식으로 논리가 연결고리를 가지고 이어지게끔 다듬어주세요. for their children in big cities, and they can get there in a short time. Thus, for children who need constant education and care, it is much more advantageous to live in one of big cities.
To summarize, I strongly believe that living in big cities can help children have a broader perspective from various experiences and get more proper education and care. People who experience as many things as possible in their childhood will live happier for their rest of lives.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–20)
아이들이 견문을 넓힐 수 있다거나 교육과 의료혜택을 더 잘 누려서 좋다는 주장은 모두 적절합니다. 하지만 설명 과정에서 아귀가 맞지 않거나 논점이 어긋나는 부분들이 많고, 사례 내용도 연관성이 떨어지는 부분들이 많다는 점이 아쉽습니다. unity와 coherence에 중점을 두고 보완해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!