> > 2013-08-11 15:04:49, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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▶ Topic : Nowadays, students pay more attention to politics than in the past. | |
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▶ Your Answer :
In today’s society, it is considered that politics needs a lot of attention from people, including students. Regarding this issue, some people say that the students in the past were paying (같은 의미이지만 더 간단 명료하게 표현 가능합니다.) more active in paying attention to politics than the students nowadays. However, I strongly believe that nowadays these days, students participate more in politics than the students in the past. This is because, firstly, the technology has developed, and secondly, the education encourages students. (first, second와 같은 단어는 -ly 를 안붙이시는 것이 좋습니다.) To begin with, the advancement in advanced technology today, such as that of the internet, allows students to easily access to the information that is related to politics. In the past, even though there was a big corruption going on, citizens including students could not realize about it. This is because the government can hide the information since single device was unavailable to observe the facts. However, nowadays, most of the valuable information of politics is revealed through internet, catching the people’s attention. Since the most of the students nowadays possess a Smart phones which shows the time by time issues, they are the information is more vulnerable to them. Abundance/Being abundant of information eventually leads children to participate in the politics. In addition, nowadays, education motivates students to have an interest in politics. Education indeed is indeed a very effective method to make students care about the politics. Compared to the past, they are taught to be conscious about the change in politics and to participate as much as they can. Moreover, education in the past was harshly regulated by the government to render students to agree with their administration. For example, during the Park Jeong hee administration in 1970s, schools were not allowed to teach about the negative effects caused by them the regime and, instead, it recommended the ministry of education? to instead teach the great achievements of the government. As a result, students lost their faith on the government and that eventually decreased their motivation to participate in politics. To sum up, I believe that nowadays students can give more attention to politics since technology provides them valuable sources about politics, and the education these days encourages students to get interest in politics and participate. Therefore, today’s students pay more attention to politics than students in the past.
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안녕하세요 에세이 잘 읽었습니다 =)
에세이의 기본 구조는 나쁘지 않았습니다~
특별한 문법상 구조나 많이 고칠 부분도 없었지만 첫번째 쟁점에서 예시가 없었던 부분이 조금 아쉽습니다.
그리고 a, an, the 와 같은 관사 사용에 있어서 실수가 좀 많았는데요.
특정한 명사를 가리킬땐 the를 꼭 붙이셔야 합니다. 그 외에 제가 첨삭한 부분은 좀 더 문장의 흐름을 간단하고 자연스럽게 표현하기 위해 고친거라 따로 설명을 붙이지 않았습니다. 참조하시고 토플 대박나시길 바래요!
화이팅하세요~