Young people have more enjoyable lives than the elderly.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
Opinions might be wrangle over the argument of whether young people have more enjoyable lives than the elderly. In my opinion, the disagreement stance sounds reasonable enough to completely convince me, as seen in the two reasons presented below. 깔끔한 서론입니다.
The disagreeing position is worthy of winning my support. To begin with, Old people have more enjoyable life through nurturing young people's talents and potential. The present-day society, young people are brainwashed to pursue money-oriented goals from their early years. 너무 극단적이고, over-generalized된 진술인 것 같아요. It sometimes misguides them to overlook the importance of discovering their talents and potential, which, in my opinion, leads to a real meaning of success.의미가 정확히 파악되지 않을 뿐더러, 연관성이 떨어지는 불필요한 구절입니다. At this point, the guidance of seniors are needed in a way to help them to maximize their capacity and thus become well-rounded individuals. 이것 또한, 작성자님께서 본론 맨처음 문장에서 언급해주신 main idea인
In this vein, it is not an overstatement that old people can get pride of themselves and have fun in their lives while teaching young people. Referring to the studies (2014) conducted by Oxford University, renowned experts argued that grandparents over the close instruction of their grandchildren cultivate their life with full of happiness through teaching their grandchildren and thus keep themselves updated. The experts also indicated that children are not likely to climb to the top of their career ladder without advised and helped by their grandparents. Likely enough, old people such as grandparents feel proud of farming their life and enjoy watching young people's grow-ups throughout their life. 예시 또한 논제와 직접적 연관성이 떨어지며, 잡다한 예시가 너무 많이 포함되있습니다.
Moreover, my strong argument can be well-substantiated as follows. Elderly, with their insightful life experiences, can enjoy their life by encouraging other people to learn moral and ethical standards. Nobody can be born perfect enough to lead a flawless life. Specifically, those who have weak moral standards might be fallible to all kinds of temptations during the long course of their life. 모두 불필요한 문장입니다. 논제는 오늘날 young people이 올바른 moral standard를 가지고 있는지 또는 yong people이 elder들에게 도덕교육을 받아야하는지에 대한 여부가 아닌, elder의 삶이 더 enjoyable하는지에 대한 것이니 논제에 관련된 설명에만 집중하실 필요가 있습니다. 또 young people이 elder에게로부터의 교육이 필요하다고 이것이 elder들에게 enjoyable할 것이라는 것은 논리적 비약입니다.불필요한 문장들이 많다보니 논점도 흐려지고 분량도 과다하게 늘어지고 있습니다.In this sense, they should be aided by elder people who can teach them social norms and legal obligations well. In that way, it cannot be denied that elders have fun as well as satisfy themselves with their knowledge rather than young people. As a common example, some people might feel tempted to tell a lie in a certain circumstance when they have to cover up their mistake and avoid any potential criticisms. In this situation, seniors can help them to ride on a right path. With the advice and wisdom of their abound life, trouble makers can learn how to admit their mistakes and prevent the same mistake from happening again. It leads the seniors' life abundant and these experiences make their life more exciting throughout their boring routines.
In conclusion, amusement of elders' life have been outlined above.
I will finish by saying that there are diverse satisfying events in elder people's life with their insights and knowledge and thus they could enjoy their life much more than young people.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing (0-30) score scale
Weak (0-8)
논제에 대한 답변이 거의 되지 않고 있는 글입니다. 우선 논제에 대한 이해가 필요하신 것 같아요. 논제는 young people이 elder의 도움이 필요한지에 관한 것이 아니고 yong people보다 elder의 삶이 더 enjoyable하는지 에 대한것이기 때문에 이에 관련된 설명이 필요합니다. 전반적으로 불필요한 문장들이 논제에 대한 답변보다 많아 논점이 흐려지고 있으며 분량도 과도하게 늘어졌습니다. 우선 큰 틀을 다시 정하시고 글을 써보세요. 또 두가지 이유간의 차이점 또한 명확히 드러나지 않고 있으니 다른 이유를 생각해내시거나 두가지 이유간의 차이점을 보다 명확히 해주세요. 수고하셨습니다.^^