The reading passage asserts that letting astronauts travel to Mars is impossible since there are many difficulties to do this. However, the speaker totally refutes the passage by stating that these potential problems can be overcome absolutely.
To begin with, the lecturer says that one machine that produces sound waves can prevent lots of dust from being accumulated. Therefore, he points out that it can dislodge dusts and make them being blown away from spaceship and astronauts. This position is the opposite of the reading passage that dust that covers Mars would stick to ships’ solar panels and astronauts’ spacesuits. In addition, dust is harmful for humans’ health because dust has highly concentrated chlorinated salts that can damage astronauts’ body. (에세이가 너무 길 경우, 부가적인 설명을 dust, which is harmful to astronauts 등의 표현으로 간단하게 설명하는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Second, in the lecture, he argues that
psychological effects to of astronauts due to
prolonged trip to Mars is manageable by continuous training that pre-astronauts
receive since the training includes how to adapt well in the environment where
astronauts should be apart from their families, friends, or acquaintances. He
explains that while they are traveling, there will be
a computer program that contains a video guidance to help the astronomers not
to be anxious or depressed. This completely contradicts with the reading
passage that astronomers would undergo mental health crisis including anxiety
and depression and feel hard to complete their duties on Mars as they should be
isolated for a long time without communicating with someone.
Lastly, the speaker does not agree with the reading passage that country should be responsible to a large amount of money including sending robots, incur money such as resources that astronomers need for one project to travel to Mars which is not sure if it will bring benefits in our lives. (문장이 조금 장황하고 정확한 표현이 안되고 있습니다. Comma를 통해서 incur을 연결하는 부분이 특히나 어색해요.) The lecturer states that even though there may not be immediate positive results, there will be lots of technological advances. He supports his view by saying that an investment for travel to Mars is worthy for future advances.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
논리적인 구조를 통해서 reading과 lecture 두 지문의 내용을 잘 비교해 주고 있습니다. 두 지문이 어떤 토픽에 대해서 어떤 주장을 가지고 있는지 clearly state 해 주셨어요. 하지만 내용이 조금 장황한 편 입니다. 불필요한 내용은 짧게 줄여보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 또한, intro에서 소개한 순서로 두 지문의 내용을 에세이 끝까지 소개하는 것이 좋습니다.
수고하셨습니다.