It is debatable whether important decisions should be made
alone. This is an intriguing question because it
opinions on it can be different
relying on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that
important decision should be helped through other people for the following
reasons. This is because first, it can be
stressful and second, getting a helping from
others with on making a decision is more effective.
First of all, people should not make a decision all alone
because this companies stressful process. In fact, making
a decision alone creates burden and pressure for
on people, which as a
result. Stress is the main cause of diseases, shorter life span, and
a dissatisfying life in general. As such, people in modern society should
actively find ways to relieve stress and restore health. For example, when I was young, I had to make a decision on what to do for the
future. Deciding options without any help
creates ed
too much stress and would not gain bring good feat. (문장의
위치가 적절하지 않은 것 같아요. 앞,뒤의 내용과 자연스럽게
연결되기에는 무리가 있습니다.) With my parents’ help, I could make a better choice. Through this
experience, I realized that dealing with future
problem alone is not a good method in order to fulfilling life and getting
rid of stress.
In addition, it is essential to
cooperated with others in a situation that when
deciding a choice because this it is makes our lives much more convenient and
efficient. In fact, utilizing tools or getting
help from others creates opportunities for people to easily choose things ing,
which allows people to save extra time, spend less energy, and lead a
productive life. In today's people there is a
necessity that lead easier lives and consumes less energy and time. (문장구조가
어색하고 정확한 의미전달이 안되고 있습니다. Today, people ~ 의 구조로 문장을 시작해보면
좋을 것 같습니다.) People can do this better by
consistently making an effort to use technological tool or people's advice. For instance, according to a study conducted by the
Harvard University, It
revealed that using a variety of methods for choosing a best option is very useful and
important. It shows that 90% of people who are successful in their life across
different areas advised that especially using
internet for making a best option is a key factor to mean of access to success succeed. Thus, it
is legitimate to say that people must not make a decision on their own for
better choice and their convenient.
All things considered, my argument regarding this topic has been precisely and effectively delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (0-17)
내용적인 부분에서는 논리적으로 글쓴이의 주장을 support하고 있는 것 같아서 좋습니다. 주어진 토픽에 대한 정확한 이해를 통해 글쓴이의 stance를 잘 표현 해 주셨어요. 하지만 문법적인 부분에서 오류가 많아서 글의 내용전달이 잘 안되고 있습니다. 정확한 표현을 하지 못하는 부분들이 많습니다. 문장의 기본적인 구성요소에 신경을 쓰면서 간단한 문장부터 써 보시면 더 좋을 것 같아요. 정확한 의미전달이 가능하게 한다면 훨씬 좋은 에세이가 될 수 있을 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다.