■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words.
■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer
▶ Topic :childrenshould play sports for competition.
▶ Your Answer :Some people think that children should playsports for competition. However, in my opinion, I think that they will behelpful if children play sports for fun. There are two reasons that they canrelease the stress and gain health benefits.
First of all, playing sports for fun canget rid of their stress. Having the outlet for stress has a meaning means that it itselfsince it helps their regain energy and find the strength to go on. People havepressure not only physically but also mentally. After playing sports, peoplewill be able to get back on track. For example, when I was a high schoolstudent. I had a lot of stress because of study. Also I can play sports such assoccer or basketball
(무슨 a lot of things인가요? 이렇게 두루뭉술하게 적어 놓으신 부분이 꽤 되는데 최대한 자세하게 설명 적어주세요) As a result, my stress wasgetting worse and I could not concentrate on my study more. One day, I decidedto play soccer with my friends because my mental condition was very exhaustedand depressed. After playing exercise, that makes me refreshment so I can getback on track.
Second, children can get (obtain이랑 get이 어떻게 보면 똑같은 뜻일 수도 있는데 여기서 문맥상으로는 get이 더 잘 어울립니다)
healthadvantages. To be specific, the importance of health should be prioritized.Without being healthy (good health이렇게만 적어놓으면 내용 연결이 안됩니다)
, nothing can be achieved. Like there is a saying “soundbody, sound mind.” Keeping in shape enable children to maximize their workproductivity and be self-confident. In this sense, playing sports for fun wouldbe of great help. In my case, my weight was so heavy when I was little.Moreover, my knees were getting worse because of high weight so I resulted thatlose a weight during summer vacation. So I played aerobic activities such astreadmill and jump rope. These were very hard (hard 랑 hardly에는 아주 아주 큰 차이가 있으니 주의해주세요) to me but kept doing to becomehealthy. As a result, I left 25 pounds. I was so exciting and my family,friends celebrate to me. Nowadays, I have been keeping this weight for 5 years.I am living very comfortable
To sum up, playing sports for fun give tous a lot of good effects such as release stress and acquire health merits. Tothis regard, I firmly assert that they will be helpful if children play sportsfor fun.
전체적으로 문맥/문법적인 오류가 굉장히 많은 편입니다.
이에 관해서는 에세이 쓰기 연습보다는 문장 쓰기 연습이나 paragraph쓰기 연습이 사실 더 필요해보입니다.
또, 어휘의 뜻을 헷갈려서 다른 어휘를 대신 쓰는 부분이 종종 보이는데, 어휘 똑바를 사용법 알고 적는게 아주 중요하니
동의어 위주로 어휘 뜻 다시 외우는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다.