■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
|
|
▶ Topic : Some people think that parents should set strict rules for their children if they want them to succeed in life. Others think that strict rules are not necessary for children to obtain success. Which do you think is better? |
|
|
▶ Your Answer : In recent times, there has been an (관사) argument about whether parents should be strict to their children to make them succeed in their lives. As for my position, I firmly believe that strict rules are not necessary for children to obtain success. The rationale behind this is that strict rules make children lose their confidence and kindness for children helps them (목적어 필요) to get success (품사) in their lives.
To begin with, strict rules allow children to decrease their confidences. Of course, I am (줄임말 사용을 지양해주세요.) aware that parents should be strict to some extent for their children since children would comfort to the strict rules more easily. However, in my opinion, it is also true that this system prevents children from getting their own confidence. For example, since I grew up with parents who were very strict to rules, I should follow several rules such as 'if your grade would be fail, your meal will not be prepared'. Whenever I took an (모음 앞에 관사는 an으로 교체됩니다.) exam, I was filled with fear (더 자연스러운 표현이 될 것 같습니다.) these rules, and I finally couldn't maximize my ability in exam.
On top of that, I think that not strict rule, but kindness makes it easier for children to succeed. As everybody already knows, children need parent's friendly help. Compared to strict manners, kindness and flexibility for children is useful to trigger them (목적어가 필요합니다) to think creatively. Not only that, children who are given to parents' friendly attention are able to sympathize with (전치사) others well. Creativeness and sympathy are one of the most helpful way to succeed in life.
Taking all these things into account, there is no doubt that strict rules are not essential for children's success. We should keep in mind that affection to the children is the best method to breed them successfully. |
|
1. 각 문단 시작 전에 tab 버튼 눌러서 들여쓰기 해주세요.
2. 수정해드린 문법적 오류를 검토를 통해서 줄여주세요.
3. 첫 번째와 두 번째 body paragraph가 비슷하게 느껴집니다.
반대의 이야기로 구성된 느낌이 강하게 듭니다.
조금 더 distinctive한 reason을 말씀해 주시면 좋을 거 같아요.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*