▶ Your Answer :
Some people might think that a person who does many things is a competitive worker. (competitive와는 또 무슨 상관이죠?) However, I believe that since people are
busy doing so many different things, they do very few things well.
First
of all, when people do many things, it is difficult to deal with all the works.
Understanding people at work is necessary to substantiate that people have a hard
time making plans and doing the works in order when they have many tasks to do. In
order to finish many different works, it is the best way to organize the works
in advance and proceed to them one by one. However, people usually start other
works before they finish the first work. If this pattern repeats, they spend
much time to do even one of them. Eventually, they cannot complete any of them.
For example, when my younger brother, who is a university student, has (주어 동사 일치) many assignments,
he does not determine the order of the assignments. So, he does first
assignment a little bit and then starts another assignment without finishing
the first one. Hence, he cannot finish any of them completely. (few things를 잘한다는 언급은 없습니다. many things는 잘 못한다는 것은 보여주셨지만 그 반대 (더 중요한 부분)에 대한 서술이 없어요.)
On
top of that, once people have a lot of things to do, since they are distracted,
they cannot focus on their works. In response to the people’s concentration,
many expert opinions and research statistics reinforce that people would have
time (어떠한 시간인가요? long time인가요?) doing many things since they cannot concentrate on their works properly.
Expert say that when people are distracted, their brains do not function well.
The frontal lobe, which is one area of the human brain, is involved in the
people’s concentration. People who have many tasks would become distracted,
leading to a bad influence on their frontal lobe. Hence, they cannot focus on
their work and would have hard time finish all of the works. A research shows
that people who do many works display weaker activation at their frontal lobe than
those who have less works. This indicates that many works interrupt people’s
concentration. (마찬가지입니다. 그리고 왜 사람들의 뇌 능력이 떨어지고 왜 many things를 잘 못하는지를 말하는 것이 아닙니다. 이미 many things를 잘 못한다는 것은 에세이 토픽에서 가정되어 있습니다. few things well을 하는 이유를 설명해주시면 됩니다. 따라서 두 개 바디 문단 전부 오프토픽 가능성이 높습니다.)
To
sum up, I believe that since people are busy doing so many different things,
they do very few things well. (이 부분을 바디에서 '설명'하시는 거예요.) Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be
underestimated for the reasons I mentioned above. (intro & conclusion 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.) |