Classmates have more influence than parents on a child’s academic success in school.
Some people think that the advantages influence (장점과 영향은 조금은 다른 의미로 생각됩니다..! 질문에서 주어진 내용을 그대로 써주셔야 합니다. 주제가 바뀌면 안돼요) of classmates far outweigh that those of parents on a child's successful grade in school. However, In my opinion, parents are more influential beneficial than classmates on in order to succeed their child's academic success in school for two reasons: children get to have a practical assistance from their parents, and they also learn to have a valuable life lessons from their parents. (질문의 내용과 약간은 다른 방향으로 글을 쓰신 것 같습니다. 사실상 비슷한 내용이기는 하나, word choice에 신경을 써주셔야해요. 그렇지 않으면 채점관이 주제와 어긋난다고 평가할 수도 있는 부분이기 때문에 특히 인트로에서 주어진 문장과 같은 내용을 주세요~!)
To begin with, parents giveallow(s) young child to have a practical assistance. This is because(,) parents already have accumulated their own know-how in their school. Thus, they have many resources and skills with which to teach and guide younger child. In the sense, children are capable of learning from their parents how to improve their grade effectively in school. For example, I learned much more from my senior employees than from my peers when I first started working at a motor company. Because my peers did not have much work experience, I did not and we were not able to learn much from each others. On the other hand, the senior employees taught me many important work skills, such as how to create effective presentations and how to safely handle the machinery in the lab. They helped me greatly, and thanks to them, I was able to acclimate easily to the workplace. I think this example is same as that academic successful for a child in school. (예시 괜찮은 것 같습니다. 다만, 학교에서 공부하는 학생의 입장과는 다를 수 밖에 없다는 점이 있기 때문에 그 점을 좀 더 연결을 잘 시켜주셔야 할 것 같아요. (마지막 줄에서 해주셨지만 좀 더!_) 아니면, 문제 소지가 없게 같은 예시를 학생의 상황으로서 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같아요)
On top of that, parents teach(es) their children young person valuable life lessons to enhance the school record. This is due to the fact that(,) young teenagers can learn valuable lessons from parents who are have more mature and who tend to have a more comprehensive understanding of school life. In this respect, parents' understanding can affect youngster’s school life in positive ways. Moreover, healthy school life can make a positive impact on their academic success in school. For instance, after failing multiple times to pass the exam to become an English teacher, my sister became extremely discouraged. Most of her friends advised her to pursue a different career, so she got soon stressed about her professional future. Meanwhile, my parents advised her to continue to study and try to pass the examination again. In fact, she always does all her studies in a conscientious manner, and healthy school life.(무슨 의미인지 이해가 잘 가지 않는 문장입니다. 학교생활과 공부를 열심히 했다는 뜻인가요??) To encourage her, to stick with her goal, they told her stories of how they overcame failures in their own lives. Because of their advice, she rose to the challenge, and passed the her exam, and finally became a teacher last year. Likewise, this these example shows that it is more important to parents(’) have more influence than their peers to academic succeed in school. (여기서도 역시 청소년/학생을 대상으로 예시를 써주셨으면 더 좋았을 것 같다고 생각합니다. 두 문단 중 하나라도 직접적인 child의 예시를 써주세요~)
To sum up, children are more influenced by are more beneficial from following their parents than class(’) friends in terms of to educational success in school. This is because sharing time not with classmates but with parents positively affect practical assistance from parents as well as the worth of life lessons. In this regard, I strongly disagree with the statement that classmates have more influence than parents on a child’s academic success in school for the reasons I mentioned above. (결론에서 주장 다시 써주셔서 좋아요)
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair (17~22)
총평:
1. 주제를 다시 한 번 봐주시고 써주시길 바랍니다. 주제에서는 influence에 대해 말하고 있는데, 이것을 benefit으로 말씀해주시면 주장의 의미가 조금 달라지게 됩니다. (영향과 좋은영향의 차이) 주제에 맞게 조금 단어를 바꾸어 고쳐주시면 좋을 것 같아요~
2. 예시 좋으나 좀 더 직접적으로 청소년 때 학생의 얘기를 써주시면 더 설득력있는 예시일 것 같습니다. 또는, 조금 더 예시와 주장의 연결을 시켜 써주세요^^
3. 문법 오류가 조금 많이 보입니다. 더 꼼꼼하게 검토하여주시길 바래요.
수고많으셨습니다 :)