Some people prefer to live in a big city. Others prefer to live in a small town. Which do you prefer?
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether some people prefer to live in a big city. "몇몇 사람들이 대도시에서 살기를 더 좋아하는가 아닌가"라는 문제가 아니므로 맥락에 맞지 않습니다. 템플릿을 활용하더라도 의미를 잘 생각하면서 응용해주세요. The answer to this question can vary depending on individual perspectves. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned, I agree with this argument. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows.
To begin with, almost most big cities have large scale of hospitals which people can access to with great facility. 대도시에 큰 병원이 있어서 좋은 이유는 결과적으로 '건강을 더 잘 챙길 수 있다'는 부분이므로 '건강'의 키워드도 주제문(첫문장)에 함께 제시해주는 게 좋을 것 같아요. Nowadays, some people have serious diseases with critical virus, even though there are a slew of advancements in developing medicine. Also, in Korea, whether or not there is a big hospital determine where people want to live on account of increasing aged people. The research conducted by Medical Institute in Korea estimates that people feel more convenient and comfortable when there are many hospitals near their house. 큰 병원이 많으면 사람들이 편하게 느낀다는 설명은 사실상 내가 설명하는 이점과 관련이 없습니다. 마음이 편해서 좋다는 장점이 아니라 건강을 챙기기에 더 용이하다는 구체적인 idea가 있으므로 이 내용을 뒷받침해줄 수 있는 사례 내용을 연결해주는 편이 좋지요. Like this, if people have a severe disease which requires medical check-up regularly, they should live in a big city. This is becuase almost most founders of hospital have been wished to build a hospital in a big city for procuring much profit. 맥락상 불필요한 내용입니다. 대도시에 큰 병원이 많은 이유를 창립주가 원해서, 라고 연결하는 부분도 논리가 떨어지고요.
On top of that, in a big city, there are a lot of culture centers which provide provides us with many fun activities such as theater, concert hall and big shopping mall. These facilities allow allows people to relive stress and refresh themselves. 문화 시설이 많아서 "스트레스를 더 잘 풀 수 있다"는 점이 main idea에 해당합니다. 문단의 핵심 내용을 잘 보여주는 주제문을 제시할 수 있도록 정리해주세요. 왜, 어떻게 스트레스를 더 잘 풀 수 있는지에 대한 설명도 더 보완해주시고요. For example, I spend large amount of time working in my workplace on weekdays and I need a time to relive my stress. So, on weekends, I often used to go to the theater, concert hall and shopping mall with my friends. Furthermore, after working I always learn dancing at a local center which is runned on states of Seoul runs itself, which is a capital of Korea. As a result, I can enjoy my life by participating in these activities. If I have been lived in small city, I could lost my opportunity to have fun time to relive stress.
In conclusion, I stronly argue for my standpoint on account of two reasons as mentioned above. Once again, the verdict may still be out, I personlly believe that two of my rationales are really convincing enough to represent viewpoint of a majority of poeple who are in favor of my claim.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
기본적인 내용은 논점에 잘 부합합니다. 더 명확하게 주제문이 드러날 수 있도록 흐름을 다듬어주시고, 내용을 설명하는 과정에서 불필요한 사족이 논점을 흐리지 않도록 유의해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!