Many people visit museums when they travel to new place. why do you think people visit museums?
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is evident that in our current society value of museums has tremendous importance in our lives. Some people do not understand why do people visit museums in traveling to new place. But I firmly believe it is invaluable experience to visit museums. There are several reasons to support this opinion.
First of all, simply, going to museums is just fun and exciting for travelers. Travelers are able to learn so many things about relics which have hidden meaning or making background they haven't know before visiting museums. Learning something at the museum is just fun itself. 입장을 support하기에 적절한 표현으로 다듬어주세요. '그냥 재미있으니까 박물관에 가면 좋다'는 표현보다 '호기심을 충족시킬 수 있어 좋다'거나 '그 지역에 대한 지식을 얻을 수 있어 좋다'하는 식의 표현이 더 적절하겠지요. In my case, When I was a child, I visited at the a museum located in Egypt which I was first time . There was a an ancient necklace. As seeing it this, I had thought, it was a just a pretty stuff. However, a museum guide came to me and taught me hidden meaning of this necklace like religious and political implications. And then I felt exciting and fun by noticing signification of relics at the museum.
Second of all, museums show us facts which is much information about history, culture, previous lifestyle and so on of that new place. The museum Museums have accumulated knowledge and techniques of people of that place. It helps traveler to understand personality of that place. Therefore, through this process people are able to have knowledge of new place and understand history or culture in that place. 배우는 즐거움에 대해 설명한 body1과의 차이를 잘 모르겠습니다. 뚜렷하게 구분되는 두 가지의 idea를 보여주는 것이 좋습니다. 두 body의 내용을 적절하게 정리해서 하나의 문단으로 만들고 새로운 idea로 body2를 재구성해보는 것도 좋겠습니다. Take an a example of my experience. During my first travel to Korea, I saw a traditional clothes named Han-Bok of Korea at the museum. Those clothes stand stands for characteristics of Korea like beauty of curved line, upright spirit and a variety of colors. After visiting the museum, museums. I could enjoy traveling Korea on understanding character of Korea like history and culture. In other words, visiting museums helps traveler to comprehend that place.
To sum up, for these reasons mentioned above, many people visit museums when they travel to new place.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (13–18)
두 body의 주장이 뚜렷하게 구분될 수 있도록 해주시고, idea가 설득력을 더 가질 수 있도록 표현을 다듬는 부분도 유의해주시기 바랍니다. 기본적인 설명이나 사례 내용을 적절하게 잘 연결하시는 편이니까 설득력있는 idea만 잘 생각하셔도 충분히 좋은 글 쓰실 수 있을 거예요. capital letter 관련해서 오탈자가 많으니 유의해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!