Virtually it is undeniable that now days we don’t have enough times to have a meal together. Some people even argue that having meal together with all family members all family together is meaningless in this society any longer. (is no longer meaningful in this society라고 쓰는게 더 정확하게 의미전달이 되고 문법상도 맞아요) However, as far as I am concerned, (주어가 없어요) I strongly believe that it is undoubtedly important to have a meal regularly with family members. The reasons for this are that you can strengthen family bond even closer, as well as heal yourself during the time. (closer은 strengthen이라는 동사와 의미가 맞지 않아요. 그리고 strengthen이라는 단어 자체에 변화의 의미가 담겨있기 때문에 even –er 은 안 쓰셔도 됩니다.)
l Intro에서는 자신의 의견을 조금 더 눈에 띄게 서술하는 것이 좋습니다. 앞부분에 의견과 반대되는 내용이 너무 강력하면 안되요. 예를들어 undeniable이라는 강력한 단어보다는 it is also true that 이런 형태로 조금 더 표현이 약한 단어를 쓰는게 좋을 것 같아요.
First and foremost, you would be able to talk and communicate consequently while having meals with all members of your family, and it will render the atmosphere of the family much better. (밑줄 친 단어의 쓰임이 옳지 않습니다. 결과적으로 talk and communicate이 가능하다고 쓰려고 한다면 앞에 원인이 되는 내용이 먼저 와야합니다.) It is true that as the child is getting grown growing (불필요한 수동태는 쓰지 않는게 좋습니다.), each family doesn’t won’t have time to do something (things 라고 쓰는게 더 좋을 것 같습니다) together. They are likely to study and work at remote area and live in another town. (앞문장의 원인이 되는 문장같아요. Becase로 앞문장과 한문장으로 이어주셔도 될 것 같아요.) It means that the time having meal together means not only eating something together, but having time to communicate with among all family members. Consequently, with this frequent communication, family can make the family relationship more comfortable and smooth. For example, the research conducted from the SW university shows that people who have been raised in the family that have more than one hour to talk (of talking) together responded that their family mood is great enough. However, people who wouldn’t didn’t have time to communicate a lot expressed the low level of the contend to content with their family atmosphere. It shows that the much more time people have time to talk with family members, the better family relationship is established. (the비교, the비교 구문입니다. Much는 비교급이 아닙니다.) And having a meal together is the perfect to way to have time to talk and communicate together.
l 마지막 문장은 앞에 내용을 그대로 쓴 문장이기 떄문에, rephrase를 하거나 쓰지 않는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에 example을 쓴 점과 intro에서 말한 내용을 기반으로 문단을 쓴 것은 잘하신 것 같아요 ^^
Secondly, with by having meal together, we can share our concerns, so we can heal ourselves. (수단으로 쓸 때에는 by를 쓰셔야 합니다) People in the outside of the family boundary are likely to become a competitive person and enemy against me, and virtually they can betray me whenever. (me보다는 you를 쓰는 것이 더 좋아요) However, I strongly think that the family members are is the best friends who can be aside by me forever. So, we can exchange our concerns and problems while having a meal together. For instance, I always say tell my difficulties to my family in at the meal place, because it is the only time all the members gather in the one place. They always give me best solutions and encourage me a lot only in my side. If we don’t come together in one place, actually it is hard to empathize and counsel the problem actively, because we are all busy and have different time schedule. Thus, meal time is the healing time to give the worries and take the advice, and consequently overcome the problem and refresh the mind with the sincere encouragement.
l 가족에게 조언을 구할 수 있다고 하는 내용과 가족은 배신을 하지 않는다는 내용이 두가지가 있는데, 한가지에 집중해서 쓰는 것이 더 clear하고 좋을 것 같아요.
To sum up, I firmly maintain that family need to have a meal together. This is because they can make the family relationship much happily happier and each of the members can cure cures their mind by through the member’s prudent advice during the meal time.
l Conclusion은 짧고 간략하게 잘 쓰신 것 같아요. 단어의 redundancy도 없어서 더욱 좋습니다.
Writing 0-30 score scale
Fair (17-23)
전반적으로 내용의 구성은 좋습니다. 하지만 문법적인 오류가 조금 있고, clarity가 부족한 것 같습니다. 조금 더 focused되게 에세이를 작성한다면 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 동사의 태에 주의해서 문법check를 해주세요. 문장끼리의 관계를 생각해서 접속사를 잘 활용하는 것도 도움이 될 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다 ^^ |