An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether playing video games is a waste of time and should not be allowed. The answer to this question can vary greatly, depending on the individual perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned, I agree with the statement. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows.
To begin with, video games make people violent. A study of National Research Center of Korea revealed that people who play video games everyday are tend to speak bad words and behave aggressively more than people who don't play games. The study also presented that when people who are addicted to games were prohibited from playing were constrained to play games, they felt so uncomfortable and annoyed that they couldn't endure the situation. In turn, they revealed violent reaction like fighting each other and screaming to the researchers. In this sense, people show violent action because of the games.
On top of that, video games have no practical value. It means that there is no award to being good at video games. Let me take my friend as an illustration. When my friend was in high school, he had been playing games all the time. Even during exam term he never stopped playing games. In the end, he always got terrible grades. One day he asked me for advice because he wanted to go to university but his grades was is too low bad to enter the university where that he wanted. As a consequence, he failed to go to college due to his unsatisfying score. If he had not played video games, he could have studied harder and succeeded to go to university.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of two reasons mentioned above. Once again, although the verdict may still be out, I personally believe that two of my rationales above are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the viewpoints of majority of people who are in favor of my claim.
전반적으로 문법적으로나 내용적으로나 크게 문제되는 것이 없는 것 같아요. Clear 하고 concise 하게 잘 쓰여진 에세이 같아요. 다만 한가지 조금 보완을 하자면, 첫번째 문단에서 게임의 폭력성을 강조하면서 폭력적인 게임을 하는 것은 waste of time 이라는 의미를 더 내포해서 토픽과 연관성을 지어주시는 것이 좋을 것 같아요.