All high school students should take a course in basic economics.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people may argue that high school students in high school are do not need needed to take economics classes in their school. They may think that taking an economics course is a waste of time. However, they fail to consider the possible damages when students do not have any knowledge of economics and benefits of learning economics. Therefore, I strongly agree with the above statement and think that all high school students should study economics in their school.
To begin with, students should learn basic economics in their school years to understand the fundamental system of society and not to lose their money after graduation. Since modern society is ruled by capitalism and there are a lot of economic concepts in society, living without these valuable knowledge on economics will let students lose their money. 기본적인 경제개념을 길러야 사회에 나가서 적응하고 돈을 잃지 않는다는 idea는 좋습니다. 설명 부분에서 사회가 자본주의에 의해 돌아가고 이 때 경제개념이 중요하다는 점을 설명한 것은 적절하지만, 이 상황에서 경제수업을 들어야 경제관념이 생길 수 있다는 점을 더 강조해줄 필요가 있습니다. 즉 배경에 대한 설명에 그칠 것이 아니라 '이 상황에서 경제수업을 들으면 이러이러하니까 돈을 잃지 않는다'하는 흐름을 연결해야 단계적 구성을 보여주기에 유리합니다. For example, a student who has never been educated about the principle of stock market may fail his investment and lose a lot of money. Not only this example, but also another student who has not been taught about the relationship between supply and demand may not grasp why fuel cost is always skyrocketing and feel hard to balance her bank account. These indicate the reason why high school students should take basic economics class. 적절한 example입니다.
In addition, students should learn basic economics in their high school to adapt themselves in the modern economics * economy system well and earn money. * economy 경제 / economic 경제적인 / economics 경제학With economy economic knowledge from school, students will be able to predict the future economic circumstances of their society and thus make money with appropriate investments. For instance, a well-educated student may make a lot of money by investing her money into a company which seems to grow fast in the future. It is possible because she can understand the company's product will attract a lot of demand with her economic economy knowledge from school. Also, according to a recent research that was made by Seoul National University, students who had taken been taught economics course in their high school were 15% richer than those who hadn't after graduation. These say that high school students should learn economics economy in their high schools. body1과 크게 구별되는 점이 없기 때문에 다소 설득력이 약하다는 느낌이 듭니다. body1에서 경제학을 잘 배워야 돈을 잃지 않는다 / body2에서 경제학을 잘 배워야 돈을 잘 번다하는 설명으로 연결되어 있기 때문에 반복적인 내용을 설명하고 있다는 인상이 더 강하지요. 사회에 적응하는 것 / 손해보지 않는 것 / 더 많은 돈을 버는 것 등 다양한 표현을 고민해보시고 내용을 다듬어서 명확하게 두 body의 주장이 구분되도록 해주세요. 비슷한 이야기를 반복하면 '우기기'식의 주장이라는 느낌을 주게 됩니다.
In sum, despite although some people may insist that learning economics economy course in high school is useless, I strongly disagree with those people. Understanding basic economic concepts will be beneficial to students by preventing their possible loss of money and helping help them to earn money. Only by ignoring these merits of taking economics economic courses in high school, one could conclude that there is no need to teach economics economy in high school.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
현대사회의 경제논리를 이해해야 잘 적응할 수 있고 돈을 잃지 않는다는 기본적인 내용 방향은 적절합니다. 다만 두 본론의 내용이 비슷하기 때문에 오히려 설득력이 떨어지고 구체적인 설명이 더 필요한 부분들이 종종 있는 편입니다. 구분된 각각의 idea로 body들을 구성할 수 있도록 정리하고, 설명이 더 논리적으로 이어질 수 있도록 보완해주신다면 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요. 적절한 단어를 선택하는 부분이나 문법오류가 생기지 않게 작문하는 부분들도 함께 신경써주세요^^ 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!