There has been an argument about which is more important between money and time. Some people might claim that without money, people would not achieve anything, and thus money is the most significant factor in one’s life. However, I strongly believe that time is much more valuable thing in whole life. There are two major reasons to support it.
First, there is an
idiom that most people consider as the truth true:
Time is gold. It presents that we couldn’t
cannot catch time of the past. According to this
sentence, time is so invaluable and important that we should keep in mind that
the present couldn’t come back if we idle away current time. For example, it
can be explained by citing traveling as an example. In order to go to trip, it we needs to not only time but
also money. (time과 money의 순서를 바꿔주세요. Not only에 오는 것보다 but also에 오는 것에 더 focus가 가는 구조 입니다.) But, if we get older, it is quite hard to travel
somewhere freely regardless of the money. (앞의 내용과 but으로 연결될만한 내용은 아닌 것 같아요.)
No matter how much
we have money, as time goes by and we get older, traveling would just remain as
a dream. Based on the aforementioned reason, a job with lots of free time, such as
vacation, is better.
Second, spending
time worthily could enrich one’s live. In fact, there are various works that we
could do without money. Depending on the ways to
spend time, individual could fill their life with lots of priceless
experiences. (자연스럽지 않은 표현입니다.) For example,
making new friends or doing volunteering is a good instance to explain this
claim. With Considering
this circumstance, it is evident that time is more important factor in one’s
life. Furthermore, it supports the claim that a job which offers you lots of
vacation time is more valuable.
To sum up, it is
evident that time is more superior to
money in one’s life, because time not only couldn’t come back but also provides opportunity to have important experiences. Consequently, when it comes to deciding dominant
position of the job’s conditions, giving lots of time is better thing.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (10-17)
전반적으로 크게 문제되는 부분이 없이 흘러가는 에세이 이지만, 자세히 보면 의미가 어색한 경우가 많습니다. 표현적으로 자연스럽지 않아서 문법적으로 틀리지 않아도 글의 내용을 자연스럽게 받아들이기가 어렵습니다. 에세이를 쓰면서 좀 더 영어적인 사고를 할 수 있도록 연습해보면 좋을 것 같아요. 또한, 글쓴이의 주장을 support하는 디테일한 이유를 좀 더 세세하게 설명하면 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용적으로 조금 support가 약한 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다.