▶ Your Answer :It is
debatable whether it is more important for students to understand ideas and
concepts than it is for them to learn facts. This is an intriguing question because
opinions concerning this issue can be different relying on the individual
perspectives. I think these terms that idea and concept are appropriate for math
and fact is appropriate for history or common sense in society. In my opinion,
therefore, I support that learning facts is more important than understanding
ideas and concepts for the following reasons.
First of all, studying
many facts is more beneficial because it broadens people’s
perspectives. To be specific, learning diverse facts allow people to better
understand other cultures, and perspectives. As modern society is becoming
increasingly globalized, today’s world requires
people with international views. People can do this better by learning a variety
of information about other countries’ history. For example, Steve Jobs, who is the founder of Apple, made great accomplishments
in his lifetime. I read online that he was very successful because he was
global-minded and tried to have a lot of information about foreign regions. He did
this by studying many facts about foreign countries’ history and
cultures. Therefore, this proves that studying facts is more important in order
to broaden their perspectives.
In addition, studying
facts has more benefits because it helps people build necessary skills to get a
job. In fact, learning diverse facts allows people <(똑같은 것을 의미 하기 때문에 repetitive 해 보입니다)>to learn various facts such
as historical field and thus people can gain more opportunities get a job. As modern
society is becoming increasingly prone to change, today’s world requires
people with adaptability. People can do this better by learning lots of common
senses. For instance, according to a study done by the Korea Times, it revealed
that people who have a lot of common sense gain more opportunities to get a job. The
study indicated that more than 70% of workers advise that people should learn
much common sense in order to get a job. Thus, it is legitimate to say that
learning facts is more important so that preparing for the future. <(common sense는 뜬금없어 보입니다. common sense와 facts를 아는 것이 무슨 연관성이 있는지 모르겠습니다. 또한 common sense를 learn 하는 것은 fact 보다는 understanding concepts and ideas에 조금더 관련이 있다고 생각합니다.)
All things
considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been
effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never
should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
Overall Score: Fair (17~19) Comment: Conclusion 에 improvement가 필요합니다. Conclusion은 주로 에세이의 전체 내용을 summarize 해서 그것에 대한 결론을 지은후 3~4문장으로 써주시는게 좋습니다. 전체적으로 문법상 크게 문제 되는 부분은 없어 보입니다. 다만 세 번째 문단의 coherence/connection/논리성 이 떨어집니다. 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. |