All teachers should update their knowledge every 5 years.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There may be pros and cons regarding the argument that all teachers should update their knowledge every 5 years. I am in complete agreement with this argument. In this paper, I elaborate on the two strongest reasons for my position.
First, teachers have to bring their knowledge up to date their information periodically. This is because it helps their students to be well-balanced. While they grow up, students are exposed to certain types of information and knowledge about the work, through education at school as well as at home. The problem with this is that most of the information and knowledge is conveyed from one source's particular viewpoint. Given this, in order to make students well-balanced, their teachers need to learn about diverse knowledge by supplying with new information. 학생들의 균형잡힌 지식체계를 위해 update해야 한다는 idea나 흐름은 좋습니다. 다만 한 source로부터 편향된 정보를 받는 것의 직접적인 해결책이 '최신정보'가 될 수 없으므로 밑줄 친 부분을 적절하게 수정하는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. In my case, I learned about space exploration in general subject class when I was a freshman in undergraduate school, which described the great achievements of the governmental space projects. Five years later, I became a teaching assistant of the subject and attended every class. However, I found that my perspective on those governmental projects could not be solely positive when I also learned about the difficulty of exploring the universe and huge budget involved. Without the help of my teacher's updated information, I might have held a slanted view of governmental space projects. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요. 단순히 관련 사례를 제시하기만 하고 마무리하는 것보다 '이처럼 정말로 내 주장이 맞다'는 식으로 논지를 한 번 더 강조하며 문단을 마무리짓는 편이 설득력과 전달력을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다.
Secondly, teachers should make their knowledge up to date every 5 years. This is attributed to the fact that when teachers get the latest knowledge, and thus students can be better informed. Our world is evolving at a surprising speed. As a result, students may have difficulty understanding all the changes and new events that come out. In this respect, it is important that teachers keep current by updating their knowledge and give the information about the changes to their students. 세상의 변화상에 대해 전달해줌으로써 학생들이 well-informed된다는 설명이 적절합니다. In a recent survey carried out by Harvard University, nearly two thirds of respondents felt that they could update their knowledge and adjust themselves to changing environment while being taught by teachers who modernized their knowledge every 5 years. According to the respondents, learning the up to date knowledge from their teachers prevented them from being confined to an outdated world. It is no surprise that there has recently been a drastic increase in the number of students who prefer the teachers who study and learn to gain knowledge of the world. 마찬가지로 마무리하는 부분에서 논지를 한 번 더 강조해줄 수 있습니다. 내용 자체는 적합합니다.
Because of the reasons mentioned above, I strongly maintain that teachers' endeavor to update their knowledge should be recommended for their students.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–29)
논제에 알맞게 모델에세이를 잘 응용하신 부분들이 좋습니다. 각 body를 입장을 반복하는 것으로 시작하기보다 문단의 중심내용을 보여주는 형태로 다듬어보시는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다. 기본적으로 두괄식 문형을 취하기 때문에 문단의 핵심 내용을 첫 문장에 제시해주는 것이 좋습니다. "선생님이 5년마다 지식을 업데이트해야 한다"라는 나의 입장은 서론에서 이미 밝힌 부분이므로 반복하는 것은 크게 의미가 없습니다. 전반적인 흐름을 잘 잡아두셨으니 간단하게 강조할 수 있는 부분들이나 몇 가지 문법오류만 체크하시면 될 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!