Young children should be required to learn art and music
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is evident that education has a tremendous importance in our society. Some people think that young children should choose some subjects that they want to learn. However, I firmly believe that children should be required to learn art and music. There are several reasons that I could discuss to support my argument. The first reason is that learning art and music is helpful to studying other subjects. And another reason is that children can relieve stress by learning art and music.
To begin with, the most important reason which proves my position is that by learning art and music, young children can improve a sense of creativity. 창의력을 기를 수 있다는 idea와 다른 과목을 배우는 데도 도움이 된다는 idea는 다릅니다. 글 전체의 coherence가 유지되도록 다듬어주세요. If children are very creative, they can easily solve a difficult math problem. This is because they can come up with various unique methods of solving the complex math problem without getting any help from their teacher. 예술수업이 창의력을 어떻게 길러주는지를 설명해주세요. 창의력이 왜 중요한지에 대한 설명은 사실상 간단하게 논지를 강화하는 용으로만 써주면 됩니다. A good example can be seen in the story of studies at the Korea University of Art. According to the university’s studies, when children learn art and music, they can utilize their diverse parts of brain. This can help develop their brain’s function. So it is possible for children to improve an ability to deal with a certain problem. Thus, I assert that it is important for children to learn art and music because they can have help from art and music when they study other subjects. 앞부분에서 설명한 '창의력'과 논점이 다릅니다. 뇌의 여러 부분이 활성화되는 것과 창의력 자체는 다른 개념이기 때문에 흐름이 어색하게 느껴질 수 있습니다. 한 가지 idea로 정리해서 일관된 논지를 보여줄 수 있도록 해주세요.
On top of that, another reason to support my thinking this way is that children only need to draw a picture or play a musical instrument without solving many problems to get high scores when they take exams. For this reason, they don’t greatly be worried about learning art and music. Sometimes, children can have conversations with others during class. 논점이 명확하지 않습니다. 서론에서 제시한 것처럼 스트레스를 풀어준다는 명확한 idea와 그에 맞는 설명을 제시해주세요. 수업을 듣는 동안 문제를 해결할 필요가 없고 걱정이 없고 대화를 한다는 내용들을 단순히 나열만 해서는 '스트레스를 풀어준다'는 나의 주장으로 연결할 수 없습니다. main idea를 먼저 제시하고 왜, 어떻게 그것이 가능한지를 연결해서 논리를 구성해주세요. This reminds remind me of a time when I was a college student. I read one online news article that students tend to get less stressed when they not only study some subjects such as English and math, etc but also learn art and music. not only ~but also... 구문은 두 가지를 '병행할 때' 스트레스가 적다는 점을 설명하는 데는 어색하게 느껴질 수 있습니다. at the same time 등을 사용해서 적절한 표현으로 수정하면 좋을 것 같아요. That’s the reason why 인과관계로 보기에는 논리가 맞지 않습니다. Students get much stressed since they continuously sit on their chairs and study until class is over if they only learn subjects except for art and music. The same would be true of children. Therefore, I claim that learning art and music is needed to children since they can relieve stress.
In conclusion, I strongly agree with the idea that young children have to be required to learn art and music. As I mentioned above, first of all, when children study other subjects, they can get assistance by learning art and music. And secondly, children can relive stress through art and music. Learning art and music is the top priority to children.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (14–19)
기본적으로 창의력을 높여준다는 idea나 다른 과목에 도움이 된다는 idea 모두 적절하지만 두 가지를 한 문단 안에 넣기에는 어색한 것 같아요. 내용이 일관성을 가지고 이어질 수 있도록 흐름에 신경써주세요. 특히 설명 과정에서 <왜, 어떻게 그런지>를 적절하게 설명해야 설득력이 높은 답안을 제시할 수 있습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!