Most Korean men have a duty for military service for 21 months because Korea our country is still under suspension of war fire with North Korea. Considering those situation, some people maintain that conscription has to be no exception for woman because this conscription is not only necessary and obligatory but also for both equality and balance. However, in my opinion, giving women(’) the duty of military service is works are not suitable and efficient in the military. I have three reasons to support it.
First of all, women are physically weaker than men. In the army, most of weapons and equipments are hard for women to handle for women because those things consist of heavy steels. In my case, even though if (even if는 만약 그렇다해도 라는 뜻입니다~ 여기서는 even though~ ~렇긴 하지만 이라는 단어가 적절해요!) I worked as a gunner for 2 years, I have never seen a woman gunner. Accordingly, most women will get in trouble in the army because general soldiers should be strong enough strong to handle those arms and ammunition. Even though they can overcome these disadvantages a little through hard training, they will have a limit as to what they can do compared to comparing men as time pass by. In addition, women have to bear child and look after. If real war breaks out, women who have a baby cannot use their ability well. The reason is that bearing a baby demands woman to use a lot of energy. As a result, efficiency of war strategy will be reduced, and there are it has more possibilities to lose in the war. Another key point is that women’s mentality can make rules of army confusing. Generally, men and women psychologically have different mentality. Men tends to adapt themselves in new environment and accept the such as a social rank(,); (but은 comma로 연결할 수 있으나 on the other hand나 however는 두개의 다른 문장으로 만들어주시거나 ; 등으로 연결해주셔야 합니다) on the other hand, women cannot easily agree this rank. Because these social ranks make soldiers work quickly and efficiently become fast and efficient, women who are used to life without abolish this rank are cannot adapt to the life not suitable in military. Moreover, if many women join in the military service, men who have to concentrate on their training might lose their goals and even commit sexual violence. In these days, this problem is on the rise. To summarize, even though it might be discrimination between women and men, because the army deal with urgent emergency which requires strength need strong health and high efficiency, men are more suitable than women.
총평:
1. 이 에세이는 토플 에세이가 아니라 자유형식인거죠? 때문에 점수를 드리지는 않고 문법 및 내용 체크만 해드리겠습니다 ^^
2. 전반적으로 아이디어가 좋고, 또 굉장히 여러개의 아이디어가 나왔네요. 조금 더 정리를 하여 써주셨으면 더 좋았을 것 같습니다. 주장을 뒷받침하는 이유가 많으면 주장이 강해지는 것은 맞으나, 지금 나와있는 이유가 4개 이상은 되는 것 같아요. 한 번 문단을 나눠보려 했지만 이유가 너무 많고, 또 한 이유 당 뒷받침문장은 적은 편입니다. 이유들을 두개나 세개정도로 통합하여 분리해주시고, 그 이유에 대한 구체적 예시나 설명을 더 많이 써주는 방식으로 구성하시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어, 인트로에서는 suitability와 efficiency에 대해 언급하셨는데, 이 카테고리에 맞는 아이디어들을 한 문단으로 만들어, 두 개의 본문 문단으로 정리하시면 좋겠습니다~
3. 문법 오류 체크해주세요. 사소한 오류는 만들지 않게 신경써서 검토해주시길 바랍니다^^
수고많으셨습니다 :)