> > 2013-08-04 15:55:01, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
* 총 작성시간 : 40분 46초 |
* 단어수 : 383 자 |
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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▶ Topic : Being happy with a job is more important than having a high salary. | |
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▶ Your Answer : Some people insists (복수형이므로 동사뒤에 s는 붙이지 않습니다) that having a high salary is the (최고법 형용사를 쓸때는 앞에 대부분 the가 붙습니다.) most important thing when they choice choose (choice는 명사입니다. 동사인 choose로 바꿔주세요.) their jobs. However, in my oppinion (오타 조심하세요), I agree with this statments for two reasons. The first reason is that (목적어가 주어와 동사를 포함하는 구이면 접속사를 넣으시는게 좋습니다.) if they choice choose their jobs regarding their passionate, (passionate는 형용사입니다. 명사인 passion이 올바른 표현입니다.) they would have more chance to succeed (마찬가지로 success는 명사이므로 succeed라는 동사를 쓰셔야합니다.) success. Also, In addition, (also로 문장을 시작하는건 좋은 방법이 아닙니다.) money can't not (에세이에서 줄임말은 쓰지 않는게 좋아요.) bring their other values.
First of all, if they enjoys their work, they would be more successful.With their passion, it gives more motivation and then more powerful strength will makes their work's efficency higher efficiency higher. While, who merely works for their earnings without fervor, they those who merely work for their earning without fervor would have lower productive and lower work efficiency, .So their work position would not be changed.because they doesn't do not have their ardor. However, who works with their fervor, they those who work with passion will work hard and then their work position will also become higher and higher. For exemple, steve jobs Steve Jobs (이름의 첫 알파벳은 대문자로 표기해주셔야되요.) at Apple Computers CEO had to start his works at garage and he spent nights because he was dedicated to changing the world with computer. Due to his entusiasm toward his work, Jobs has had improved the world for everyond everyone and won the respect of his peers. He succeeded because he had found his occupation with his passion.
On top of that, people can't not buy other career values through money. A person who don't does not have their his entusiasm toward their work, but earn a lot of money, they used to will (문장의 주어는 하나여야 합니다.) stuck in their dull jobs. And then they feel huge stress from their work and it causes many health problems and they would be so sick (sick는 형용사입니다. 동사인 be를 앞에 붙여주셔야해요.) enough that money earnig from their work will spent their healing fees. (enough는 긍정적인 형용사입니다. 부정적인 문장은 so ~ that 으로 대체하거나 too ~ to를 쓰시는게 좋습니다.) So Therefore, earning (주어에 동사가 들어올순 없습니다. 동명사인 earning으로 바꿔주셔야 합니다.) a lot of money is useless. I saw the a tv program which shows that people who work at dangerous factory dealing with poisonous substances contract leukemia and even they die or bearing sick baby. This demonstrates that earning a lot of money, but they losing their health, means lots of money doesn't not bring their own value and they earn useless money.
To sum up, people have to choice choose their work not just based on earning a lot of money, but choose on their enthusiasm toward their work for their future further life. For these reasons, I firmly tell being happy with a job is more important than having a high salary. | |
안녕하세요! 에세이 잘 읽었습니다 =)
아직 영어에 많이 익숙하지 않은 모습이에요 ㅠㅠ
동사와 명사, 형용사의 잘못된 쓰임이 많았습니다 ㅜㅜ
일단 에세이의 구조 자체는 괜찮습니다. 다만 문단을 시작하실땐 스페이스바 몇번을 툭툭 쳐주시거나 탭을 한번 탁 누르셔서 여백을 남기는게 좋습니다. 문단을 보기 쉽게 나눠주는거죠. 그리고 문장이 끝나고 . 뒤에 스페이스를 한번 눌러주세요. .과 다음 문장의 시작이 붙어 있는 것을 많이 보았습니다..
문법상 오류는 위에 빨간 글씨로 설명을 드렸으니 읽어보시고 꾸준히 연습하시면 훨씬 더 나아질거라고 생각합니다!
화이팅 하세요!