Some people think, since they will lose their old friends, moving to a new city or country is not a good idea. However, I believe that moving to a new city or country is a good idea for people although they lose their old friends. This is (문장이 너무 길어지면 끊는 게 좋습니다.) because people can broaden their perspectives and enjoy a better quality of life.
Firstly, people are able to broaden their perspectives by moving to a new city or country. Interestingly, it has been a topic on various social network websites such as Twitter where people hold different opinions. Initially, I believed moving to a new city or country was not good because people would lose their old friends. However, after reading relevant tweet feeds, I realized that people would broaden their perspectives after moving to a new city or country. (글쓴이의 근거를 제시하는데 전혀 불필요한 문장들) For example, I recently read a discussion about this topic on a social network website. During every vacation, people had many opportunities to visit foreign countries. They enhanced their awareness as they traveled around, and many of them especially in to China. One time day, they were surprised by the stark contrast which they saw between decades-old houses and newly built skyscrapers. Another time day, in China, they were able to experience the food at a number of western food chains that provided diverse menus to suit foreigners' tastes. This was enough to change my initial thoughts and After reading this discussion, I realized that it is good for people to move to a new city or country, which makes people broaden their perspectives.
문제는 moving to a new city or country, 즉 이사를 가는 상황을 묻습니다. 제시한 예시는 여행을 다녀온 사람들의 이야기입니다. 예시로 제시한 경험들이 사람들에게 어떤 교훈이나 도움이 되었는지에 대한 설명도 없을뿐더러, 애초에 이사를 가는 것과는 전혀 관계가 없는 예시를 들었습니다.
Secondly, even though people will lose their old friends, they can enjoy a better quality of life by moving to a new city or country. Interestingly, a renowned social scientist of Korea published an article in the Korean Herald last Tuesday which claims moving to a new city or country is a good idea for people in order to (문장을 끝까지 제대로 맺으세요). His study was particularly interesting because it supported my view. The study claimed that 62 percent of 200 Korean people believed that they would not enjoy a better quality of life if they did not move to new cities or countries. The reason is because moving to a new city or country enables people to get away from their daily routines. They can experience new and different activities and diverse customs. They are also able to appreciate these moments by making new friends and tasting the popular dishes of the new places. I thought of this report because the results of this survey resonated with my thoughts.
위 point에서 지적한 것과 마찬가지로, 이사를 가는 상황과는 전혀 동떨어진 근거를 제시합니다.
To sum up, although people would lose their friends, it is a good idea for people to move to a new city or country: because it helps people broadening their perspectives and enjoying a better quality of life. In this regard, My opinion cannot be underestimated for these reasons that I mentioned above.
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (17-18)
문제를 잘못 이해하고 답변을 했습니다. (본론1에 대한 파란 코멘트 참고)
문장간의 전환이 부자연스러운 부분이 있습니다. 문장과 문장 사이의 관계를 잘 생각해서, 글쓴이의 주장을 뒷받침하는데 최대한 도움이 되도록 쓰세요.