▶ Your Answer :
People who do not work because they have enough money are rarely happy.
There may be pros and cons regarding the argument that people who do not work because they have enough money are rarely happy. I am in complete disagreement with this argument. In this essay, I would like to elaborate on the two strong reasons for my position. (이 문제의 중요성과 어떤 주장을 펼칠 것인지 간단히 설명하면 더 좋을거 같아요.)
First of all, people are likely to be happy if they have enough money not to work. This is because spending money on fun activities is actually entertaining,and, therefore, makes us laugh and fills us with happiness and joy. Today’s society moves and changes at a very fast pace, so we are driven by hectic lifestyles. As a result, we often feel gloomy and drained because our lives are occupied by increasing amounts of work. On the other hand, rich people who do not work can refresh themselves by doing fun activities such as enjoying an expensive and wonderful overseas travel. In this context, rich people who do not work are not hardly happy. In a recent survey carried out by Harvard University, nearly two-thirds of the respondents said that they could unwind and successfully escape from their stressful daily routine by doing fun activities such as a traveling abroad. According to the respondents, the overseas trip made them feel galvanized and ready for another day of struggle. (주장이 괜찮았는데 가난한 사람들을 여가활동을 즐길 시간이 부족하다라는 것도 강조하셨으면 더 좋았을거 같아요)
Second, though they do not work, rich people can be happy. This is attributed to the fact that using money for entertaining activities helps them develop solid relationships with others and thus feel happy. In today’s rat-race society, (요기까지 전 문단이랑 비슷한 느낌이 나니깐 약간 수성하시는게 좋아보여요) we feel pressured to beat the competition and spend more and more hours on work. As a result, we are hard-pressed for time and thus become alienated from our families and friends. However, if we don’t have to work due to huge amounts of money, we can spend a lot of money on fun activities and share the happy moment with others. According to a recent CNN daily podcast (2013), four-fifths of surveyed respondents said that they could rebuild their ties with other people through fun activities such as a luxury cruise. The respondents argued that with the help of a cruise travel, they could interact with others frequently and develop close bonds, which increases emotional attachments. (가끔 어색한 표현이 보이네요. 또한 논리가 위의 문단과 비슷하게 느껴집니다. 위에서 노는 것을 설명했으니깐 이번 문단에는 자신이 좋아하는거나 자기개발 같은거를 mention 해서 self satisfaction 을 높이므로, feeling happy 한다 (이게 motivation theory 중 하나인 maslow’s hierarchy of need 에서 나온 내용입니다) 라고 하면 더 좋을거 같아요.
Because of the reasons explained above, I strongly maintain that although they do not work, rich people are able to be happy. (중간에 있는 문단에 비해 내용이 약하다고 느껴집니다. 결론이 강해야 강한 인상을 남겨서 고득점을 받을 수 있어요)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
24
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
l 아이디어가 더 강하고 간결하게 발달되어야 합니다.
l 문단의 마지막 부분에는 설명과 결론을 보충해 주세요
l 문장을 짧고 자연스럽게 연결되도록 작성하시는 연습을 하세요.
l 영어문법을 조심하시고 자연스러움을 강조하세요.
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 강한 결론과 자연스러움이 필요합니다.
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)
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