*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is often said that following advice of more intellectual people would be wiser than making a decision by oneself, since they have more information. However, as far as I’m concerned, people consider others’ advice and given information just as a reference for two reasons: everyone knows that they have to have responsibility on the results followed by their decision, and modern people have tend to be doubtful to others’ saying.
First of all, people are very well aware of that no one who takes charge of their life on behalf of themselves. *be aware of+명사 / be aware that+문장의 형태로 사용합니다. 이 부분에서는 ~라는 사실을 잘 안다, 하는 식으로 표현하는 게 더 자연스러울 것 같아요. Situation we are in now is based on our decisions we have made living until now, and the man who ultimately has to solve problems and endure hard times is not our adviser, but ourselves. Grown up and being an adult, we acutely realize such universal truth since one’s choice can endanger his or her living or career. Thus, there is no way but to think more carefully about what would be the best decision for our life, so people tend to decide what to do in the future themselves. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 결과적으로 자신의 일을 책임져야 하는 사람이 자신인 것을 알기 때문에 스스로 결정을 내린다는 논리 흐름이 아주 좋습니다. In 2000, the psychology department of Chicago University conducted a research on what is considered as the most important thing when it comes to decision-making, targeting adults aged 30 to 60. Its results presented that 72 percent of them regards the effects on what they consider as the most important thing in their life including money and happiness of their family. Second, many people were importantly thinking if they could keep their pride from their decision, and the response that which choice would be ethically justified was the third. Believes on Beliefs in life are different person to person, and thus people would be reluctant to act just as they are advised even though their advisers are more erudite than them. 사례를 신빙성있는 형태로 제시한 부분이 좋습니다. 그러나 내용 면에서 사람들이 다른 사람들의 조언보다 자신의 선택을 더 중요하게 여긴다는 내용을 도출해내기에 연결고리가 부족합니다. 삶의 행복과 결정에 있어서 자신의 pride를 지킬 수 있는가를 중요시한다는 점만으로는 다른 사람의 조언보다 자신의 선택을 더 중시한다는 내용으로 연결지을 수 없지요. 문단의 중심내용과 연결할 수 있는 내용이 되도록 알맞게 수정해주세요.
Also, people tend not to do not believe another person. Modern society has higher crime rates since the number of people has been increased, and resources have been gradually exhausted rapidly; thus competition for almost everything is very keen. Fierce competitions are likely to cause wrong information floating about, and bring about fights between people. Therefore, people have come to be more doubtful to other’s saying than believe and
follow. 적절한 논리 흐름입니다. 다른 사람들을 의심하게 되는 사회풍조에 대해 지적한 부분도 아주 좋습니다. Let me give my experience as an for example. When I was in college, from one of my friends, I heard that the questions of the midterm exam would be very similar to those of the last year’s exam those. Since I had a lot of tests to take before the test, I decided to study only about the a set of questions set at the in last year’s examination only. However, after I took the test, I realized the information was completely wrong. If I had not listened to the one of my friend, I would have studied based base on what the professor had underlined, and I could have gotten get better grades grade. This kind of affair does not happen only in university. In society, there are more accidents which can cause much more serious results. Since people also know this ill of modern society, they are more likely to make decision on their own. 믿을 수 없는 정보가 많다는 점을 사례로 보여주고 이를 '사회에서도 마찬가지고 사람들이 잘 알고 있다'라는 것을 연결지은 부분이 좋습니다. 다만 이 문단의 중심주장은 사람들이 상대방의 의견을 의심하는 경향이 있기 때문에 다른 사람들의 조언을 잘 따르지 않는다는 것이지 '정말로 믿을 수 없는 정보가 너무 많다'하는 점이 아니기 때문에 서로 믿지 못하는 경향이 많다는 점을 보여줄 수 있는 사례로 제시해주는 것이 unity면에서 더 도움이 되니 참고하세요. 현재 내용에서는 자칫 논점이 어긋날 수 있었던 부분을 마지막 문장으로 연결지어서 unity를 잘 살려주고 있습니다.
In summary, a lot of people misbehave to win the fierce competitions, and most people know such a disease of modern society. Also, living as adults, people know their decision would directly influence their living and careers. Therefore, people would not let other people choose what they themselves do in the future.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 main idea들이 좋습니다. 논증단계와 사례로 뒷받침하는 과정들도 대부분 좋습니다. 단어 활용 연습이나 문법구조 연습을 더 하시면서 시간 줄여나가시면 될 것 같아요^^ 특히 연구결과를 인용하는 부분이나 서론 부분의 내용들은 외워두면 쉽게 변용해서 사용하면서 시간을 절약할 수 있으니까 템플릿처럼 외워두는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다. 채점항목과 코멘트 참고하셔서 글 검토해주시고 다양한 주제로 연습해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!