Businesses should hire employees for the employees’ entire lives. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
A survey was done to find out what children want to be when they grow up. Surprisingly, the majority of the children said, ‘a school teacher.’ The surveyor asked them why, and the children said, “Because it’s the most stable occupation that anyone can get.” As the survey shows, stability is one of the most important elements that a person considers when choosing a job. Stability is also the factor that many people require from their jobplace, and it is actually the motive of working hard. Therefore, hiring employees for the employees’ entire lives is a foolish action to take.(???!!!?! 갑자기 너무 반대 얘기가 나와서 놀랐어요. 바로 앞에서 하신 말씀은 사람들이 고용안정을 중요하게 생각한다, stability는 사람들이 열심히 일하게 만드는 동기이다~였는데, 그래서 결론은 사람들을 평생 고용하는 것은 잘못된 일이라고 하셨네요. 그말은 stability가 열심히 일하게 하는 게 아니라 반대로 열심히 일하지 않게 만드는 것이라는 건데, 앞 내용이랑은 정반대의 의견입니다. ^^; 주장을 그대로 가실거면 앞 내용을 바꿔주셔야 하는데, 앞의 survey도 주장을 뒷받침해주는 내용이 아니에요. 때문에 바꿔주시거나, 아니면 여기에다 however, ~~라고 왜 이 내용이 잘못된건지 등을 덧붙여주시길 바랍니다.)
First of all, guaranteeing the entire life of the employee will only lower the employee's efficiency. Ensuring everything until the person’s death means no employees would be that are fired, which means no stress of keeping their seats, which leads to no development. Think of it as a socialist country. Although the theory of the socialist country is perfect, it doesn’t work in reality because everything is guaranteed; the country ensures the citizenry that they will get daily necessities for free, which means that the citizenry don’t have to endeavor for development or extras. All they have to do is ‘pretending’ to work(,) and just wait for the country to give their wage. This also aggravates the situation because these ‘negligent’ workers stay on the business until they retire. (예시 적절한 것 같아요. 그런데 socialist country의 예시에서 끝내지 말고, 이 사례가 어떻게 진짜 business에서 적용되는지에 대한 예시도 같이 말해주시면 좋겠습니다. 'Like this, if employees are guaranteed to work for their life, they will~~'같이 연결을 시켜주시며 마무리지어주시면 좋을 것 같아요^^)
Furthermore, ‘unemployment for younger people’ will emerge as a much serious problem. Even though people say that unemployment is a serious issue/problem and that it has to be solved right away, we have to be thankful because the current state of unemployment is nothing compared to the state that will be caused by ‘hiring employees for the employees’ entire lives.’ We can currently sustain this state of unemployment because there are elders who are fired from the company due to lack of achievement or ideas. Thanks to these elders, younger people who have just graduated from college can find a job more easily. However, if there aren’t any people who are fired, younger people will have to compete harder just to find a job, and it is a waste of their talents talented.
Even though hiring employees for the employees’ entire lives might sound like utopia for employees, it will kill employees' creativity and passion, and make the company be crowded with negligent, old employees. (여기서 두 번째 본문 내용인 unemployment problem for young people도 언급해주시길 바랍니다~) For the company’s benefit, it’s best not to ensure everything. If you guarantee everything, it means that your business is also guaranteed to fail.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair (18~24)
총평:
1. 전반적으로 아이디어와 예시 괜찮은 것 같아요. 다만 가장 아쉬운 점은 인트로입니다. 인트로에서 논리 모순이 있지 않았다면 더 높은 점수를 받으실 수 있으실거에요. 위에서 말씀드린 것 처럼 thesis statement와 인트로 general statement의 내용이 일치하게 써주시길 바랍니다~ 에세이를 작성하신 후 한번 더 꼼꼼하게 내용을 체크해보시면 더 좋을 것 같아요!
2. 문장력이 대체로 좋으신 편인 것 같습니다 ^^ 중간중간에 있는 문법 오류 등 확인해주시고 같은 실수 하지 않게 해주시길 바래요~!
3. 시간 30분 걸리셨다고 하셨는데, 에세이 어느정도 구성력있게 작성하실 수 있으신 레벨이신 것 같으니, 앞으로는 에세이 작성 시간을 25분으로 줄일 수 있도록 연습해보시길 바래요~ 남는 5분은 에세이 작성 후에 내용이나 문법 틀린 게 없는지 오류 검토하는 시간으로 써보시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
수고많으셨습니다 :)