Some people argue that the television has had a greater effect on people's lives than the telephone has.
Some people argue that the television has had a greater effect on people's lives than the telephone has. (문제를 똑같이 카피하면 고득점을 받기 힘들꺼에요) I totally disagree with this idea. I think that the telephone has much bigger impact on people's lives for two reasons. (문장의 연결에 더욱 신경을 써 주셔야 할거 같아요)
To begin with, advent of the telephone changed the form of families dramatically. Before the arrival of the telephone, family members were afraid of living apart since they couldn't contact each other once they moved out. (전화기의 개발후 라는 말을 붙이는게 더 자연스러울꺼 같아요) Thanks to the telephone, they were able to live apart as they wanted to. For instance, older parents might want to live in the country side where they were grown up and young people might want to go to big cities to get a job. Some of the family members might want to leave their hometown to pursue their own dreams. After the arrival of the telephone, it was available for them to lessen the burden of worrying each other and to help each other once they got other's messages. This led to changed form of family from large one to smaller one. (결론에 티비는 이런 가족구성의 변화에 아무런 영향을 끼치지 않았다 라는 결론을 추가하면 더 좋을거 같아요)
Secondly, telephone made some critical innovations in modern society because they made it possible to share the information instantly. Through the telephone, there aren't any obstacles like high mountains or rivers. Also, they can communicate each other at the same time, without gap in time. This instant and limitless feature made some important innovations. For instance, weather forecast began to develop after the advent of the telephone, since they were able to share the weater information from other regions at the same time. Sharing information about other regions through the telephone significantly enhanced the accuracy of the weather forecast. Also, people could make the alarm system against epidemics or natural disasters by sharing information. Without the alarm system through the telephone, tons of lives might be sacrificed. From those renovations like weatehr forecast and alarm system, people's lives became a different one from the previous one. (티비도 날씨예보를 해주니 communication 의 발달과 삶의 편이성을 강조하시면 더 좋을거 같아요. 예전에는 말을 타고 소식을 전했다 같은거요)
To conclude, telephone made greater effect on people's lives since they changed the form of families, and they led the major innovations to come up in modern society. It is true that television has more attractive features, however, telephone has much more influential impact on people's lives. (however 을 두 문장 사이에 두는 것은 거의 verbal language 라고 볼 수 있어요. 자연스러워 보일려면 문장의 시작에 사용하는 방법이 좋아요. 결론이 약간 약하다고 느껴집니다. 위에 있는 아이디어와 예제는 좋은데 더 강한 주장으로 발달되기 위해선 강한 결론이 필요하다고 느껴집니다. 표현은 자연스러운 편 이지만 문장을 짧고 간결하게 작성하는 연습을 하면 더욱 높은 점수를 받을 수 있을거 같아요.)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
22
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
l 아이디어가 더 강하게 발달되어야 합니다.
l 문단의 마지막 부분에는 설명과 결론을 보충해 주세요
l 문장을 짧고 자연스럽게 연결되도록 작성하시는 연습을 하세요.
l 영어문법은 조금만 조심하시면 괜찮을 거 같아요..
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 sentence structure 의 다양성를 높이시고 윗부분의 설명을 간략하게 하세요..
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)