▶ Your Answer : Some people think that governments should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. However, my opinion is different from people’s think. I disagree that statement and think that this money should be spent on basic needs is more important for people’s life qualities for following two reasons. the statement for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of all, using money on basic needs is more important than on developing or buying computer technology. The reason why the The (the reason why는 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) government exists is to protect the people from the crisis and save them from poor. So, government should be focus on people’s basic needs such as making more public traffics, improving education quality and make better place to live so government should focus more on people's basic needs. For example, my community needs gym and request for the government. And my country’s government listen listens (government는 단수 주어 입니다) carefully to people’s complains and think about that from several points. Then, it thinks that structure improve people’s health and builds gym in my community. improves people's health
Second, the government can spend money in developing or buying computer technology later. We can Spend spend (대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다) money in technology anytime when we want and that technology must be need in our lives. But, basic need that related with people’s foundation lives must be needed, when we live to our lives and it is not helpful in future when too late to need that.Also, basic needs are made better county can make better country (동사가 두 개입니다), people can develop technology to make better place and stronger country’s power. For example, in several years ago, my country’s government make system and tried to improve people’s life qualities and today’s my country get strong power and most famous in computer technology. So, I think that this money spend on basic needs rather than in developing technology.
To sum up. I think that this money should be spent on basic needs for two reasons. First, using money on basic needs is more important than on developing or buying computer technology. Furthermore, the government can spend money in developing technology later. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot underestimated for two specific reasons that I mentioned above.
점수: 22 일단 단수 복수 주어에 따른 올바른 동사 사용을 하시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분에 있어서 오류가 있습니다. 두 번째는 전체적으로 설명이 너무 모호합니다. 설명 자체가 모호하다 보니 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겟습니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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