The question of whether or not grade system is beneficial for students has been debated for decades without definitive conclusion. Some may assert that grade system is indispensable for stimulation stimulating purpose, while others believe that there might be better alternatives to that. While both have their points made, in my opinion, grading system still bears far more advantages than otherwise.
To start with, grading system will constantly put students in constant competitive environment, which, I believe, is crucial in upgrading their marks. Society is composed of numerous and continuous competition, in which, whether we like or not, we are left with no other choice but to comply with. People compete for better occupation, promotion, better larger house, better education for their sons and daughters, and even for better recreational activities. And (And 보다는 furthermore 을 써 주시거나 아예 안 쓰는 게 좋은 것 같아요) it can be easily concluded that these all sorts of competitions are the core reasons of running the society (무슨 의미로 running the society를 쓴 것인지 좀 vague 한 것 같아요. 좀 더 clarify 해 주세요), and to a larger extent, countries and even the world. Because it is humans' nature to become better than others in any means possible, people might work and upscale their weapons to the fullest capacity. Same logic goes for the school and the grade. Without this competing environment, students, in this case student, would start taking his job, in this case student, lightly thus and would eventually become incompetent one at the end of the day. In another way of saying, they do not have stimulating factors that keep them moving forward.
In addition to that, if there is a grading system in the school, teachers might will have better understanding of where their students are positioned. Why is this is important? When teachers have better ideas as to where their students are, they might will be able to come up with better solutions to their students’ problem. Usually, teachers have to deal with many students, from 30 to 50 students at a time. If it were small classroom that she/he manages and cares, then it can be said possible to make the best judgement and advice for the students just by having interaction and conversation with them. (문장 구조를 수정하는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 정확하게 전달하고자 하는 문장의 의미가 clear 하게 전달되지 않는 것 같아요.) However, in a lot of cases, it's not that simple. With a lot of students in one class that much, I believe, one most effective method one teachers can utilize is by having grade system, which will provide the teachers with precise ideas on their students marks. Based on that understanding, teachers can provide the best mentoring, which is going to be the helpful tool for students to torch their path, to the students, which is going to be the helpful tool for students to torch their path. This very knowledge on they are good at and want (의미전달이 안돼요. 무슨 말을 하려는 건지 잘 모르겠어요.) will definitely motivate students to shoot harder work at whatever they are doing.
토플의 에세이는 좀 더 academic tone으로 써야 하고 읽는 사람을 자신의 생각처럼 설득하는 형식으로 쓰는 것 이기 때문에 might 같이 약한 표현을 쓰기 보다는 will be able to 같이 좀 더 강하게 의사표현을 할 수 있는 단어를 사용하는 게 더 좋은 것 같아요.
For the reasons followed, while there might be other substitution for current grading system, I believe, it's that grading system is the best means for students, if provided they are conducted in proper manner.
제가 보기에 내용적인 면에서는 의견도 잘 얘기하고 support도 괜찮게 되어 있는 것 같아요. 하지만 example 들이 없어서 추가 해주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 문법적인 면으로는 문장 구성에 좀 더 신경을 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 복잡한 문장구조를 많이 사용하고 있는데 잘 사용된 부분도 있지만 너무 복잡하게 쓰려고 하다보니 clarity가 떨어지는 부분들도 있습니다. 다시한번 proof reading을 하면서 의미전달이 정확하게 되지 않는 부분은 약간 수정하시는 게 좋을 것 같아요.