Some people say that people should work on several projects at the same time. However, in my opinion, it is better to focus on one project at a time and then start another one after finishing the current project. This is because, by concentrating on one project at a time once, you can do a better job and complete the project faster.
To begin with, concentrating on one project at a time at once help you do a better job. If you work on several projects at once, it is too easy to be confused and this confusion between each projects will make cause errors. However, if you focus on one project at once, you will make fewer mistakes. Studies conducted by Korea University have shown that doing multiple tasks at the same time makes people to make 15% more errors than doing one task at a time. So (Academic Essay 에서는 so 보다는 therefore을 사용하는 게 좋습니다) if you want to do a better job, you should concentrate on one project at a time.
On top of that, focusing on one project leads you to complete the project faster. You don't need to care about other things and this focused attention helps you to finish your work more quickly. So you will not be stressful about due date. Let's take my experience as an example. When I was an elementary school student, my teacher gave us several missions. Some students did the missions at once. And the others did each mission respectively. At the end, the students who did the works respectively completed these given works faster than the students who did the works at once.
To sum up, focusing on one project allows you to do a better job and complete the project faster. In this regard, I strongly believe that it is better to concentrate on one project rather than on several projects at once.
제 생각엔 좀 더 다양한 단어와 표현을 사용해서 에세이를 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 같은 의미여도 동의어나 비슷한 표현들을 사용해서 에세이를 쓰면 좀 더 좋은 에세이가 될 수 있어요. 문법적인 면으로 크게 틀리는 건 없는데 전반적인 essay의 tone이 약간 informal한 감이 있는 것 같아요. 토플의 에세이는 academic tone으로 써야 해서 so, thing 이런 단어들은 가능한 피해주시는 것이 좋아요. 그 외에 내용적인 면으로는 잘 support 되어 있고 괜찮은 것 같아요! 수고하셨습니다.