▶ Your Answer : In
today’s globalized society, it is widely believed that advice from friends who
are in the same age is more important than those in the older age. Some people
advocate that friends who are in the same age can understand them you better.
However, I firmly disagree with this view. I think that it is more beneficial
for people to get advice from old people than peers. There are several reasons
for this: broadening of perspectives and educational process. 구조도 탄탄하고 내용도 충실한 Introduction paragraph 입니다. 앞에 general statement로 서두를 열고, main topic으로 이어지는 부분도 매끄럽네요. 문법 문제도 별로 없지만, 몇가지 주어/동사 일치와 동사/명사 구분하는 것만 신경써주시면 정말 좋은 Introduction paragraph가 될 것 같네요~
Frist
of all, getting advice from older friends is better than those from friends because it
broadens people’s perspectives. To be specific, old people have a lot of
experiences in life so people can learn how to look at life in a new way, which, as a result, allows people to better understand other cultures, life styles and
perspectives better. As the modern society is becoming increasingly globalized, today’s
world requires people with a strong deep understanding of international view. People
can do this by getting a lot of advice from elder people. For example, Steve
Jobs, who was the founder of Apple, made great accomplishments in his lifetime.
I read online that he was very successful because he was able to global-minded
and culturally sensitive. He did this by talking with many old people (혹시 어떤 분들인지 아신다면 구체적으로 써주세요) and
sharing his ideas and emotions with them. Thus, it proves shows (이것은 의견일뿐이니, "prove"라는 단어는 너무 강조하는 느낌입니다) that people should
talk with old people and get advice from them in order to broaden their views. 이 Body paragraph의 구조 역시 잘 정리되었고 부연 설명도 적절한 편입니다. 다만, "better"하다는 것이 어떻게 "better"한지, 나이 많은 친구들에게 주로 어떤 advice를 받는지, Steve Jobs는 "어떤" 친구들에게 "어떤" 도움을 받았는지 구체적으로 설명해주세요. 사용하신 예시는 분명히 좋은 예시지만, 언급하시기만 하는 것보다, 구체적으로 어떤 논리적 연결을 갖고 있는지 명확하게 서술해주세요.
Moreover,
it is more advantageous to get advice from elders than peers because it
accompanies an educational process. In other words, taking talking with old people
creates opportunities to learn valuable lessons in life, which as a result
allows people to obtain valuable information, attain personal growth and stay
ahead. People need to be educated throughout their lives because education is
the most powerful weapon that they can use to change the world and their own
lives. For example, when I was in high school, I had some problems with my
study studies. So I asked my teacher for help and she gave me a lot of advice about my
study studies, so So I could get a good grades as well as learn how to deal with problems
in my life. Through Though this experience, I realized that it is better to get advice
from people who are older than me. Hence, this shows that getting advice from
old people helps improve our contains learning processes. 먼저, 두번째 Body paragraph에서는 personal experience에서 나온 예시를 써주셔서 아주 좋습니다. 첫번째 Body paragraph는 일반적 지식이라면, 여기선 개인적 경험을 토대로 근거를 제시해주시면 근거 자료들이 더 풍부해서 좋아요. 이 문단도 마찬가지로 구체적으로 어떤 Educational processes들을 배웠는지 덧붙여주시고, 예를 제시한 후에 부연 설명을 더 해주시고 마무리해주시면 더 좋은 구조가 될 것 같네요.
All
things considered, it is my belief that my arguments has been delivered
precisely and effectively with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we
forget that this issue might a huge impact on future. Conclusion paragraph는 그야말로 자신의 주장을 다른 말로 풀어서 재강조하고 마무리를 짓는 거라고 생각하시면 됩니다. 마지막에 "All things considered, it is my belief that my arguments has been delivered precisely and effectively with the reasons mentioned above"라는 문장이 있는데요, conclusion paragraph 에서는 자신의 의견을 얼마나 근거 있게 주장하였는가를 평가하는 것이 아니라 앞에 Introduction paragraph의 Thesis statement를 restate한다고 보시면 되요.
좋은 글은: Addressing topic, Task Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications Unity, Profession, Coference Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy 들을 다 갖춰야해요
전반적으로 주제를 잘 파악하시고, 내용, 예시, 어휘력 모두 풍부하십니다. 제시한 예시들의 부연 설명을 더 구체적으로 해주시고, 반복되는 문장이나 문법/스펠링 실수만 신경 써주신다면 정말 좋은 글이 나올 것 같네요.
Raw Score: 4.25/5 -> 27/30 |