▶ Your Answer : Some people might say that the young people need to exercise more than the eldelry do because nowadays there are lot of fat people in young ages. However, in my opinion, I strongly believe that the old generation have to work out more than young generation. Because they are usually weak and young people maintain their body function well without exercising has to work out more for the following two subsequent reasons.
To be specific, when people get older their body function decrease To begin with older people's body function will be decreased (이유에 대한 구체적 설명을 하고 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다). For instance, The immune system is not work well. So the elderly is easy to catch a cold or get a disease the immune system does not work well during old age so people could get cold easier at the old age. However, if they work out regularly they can maintain their body healthy. Let me explain my views on this. I'll take my grandmother's case as an example. My For example, my (let me explain~같은 표현은 구어체이기 때문에 적절하지가 않습니다) grandmother always walk walks (grandmother는 단수 주어 입니다) around the playground after having a dinner. She looks like younger than her friends and seldom gets a cold. Unlike my grandmother, my grandfather doesn't like to go outside does not like to go outside (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). He usually spend his time reading books in house. When the weather gets colder and the flu is widely spread my grandfather often gets a cold and go to hospital.
On top of that, young people usually act in early morning to late evening. They usually spend their time in outside. They walk a lot and do several active things such as shopping and doing part time job. However, the elder enjoy old people enjoy the sedentary lifestyle Young people burn out their calories easily in their busy life. For instance, a study conducted by the Seoul national university is a good example of this. The researchers tracked the lifestyles of 200 university students over 2 year period in order to find out how much calories they burn out everyday without any exercising. What they found was amazing. Students who do not work out daily burn out same calories that the eldery who exercising 1 hour for evreyday . The finding showed that young people's busy life make them healthy without hard exercising.
To sum up, The elderly have to work out more than the young people do. Because it makes them more healthier and young people's busy life act as exercising. In this regard the old generation should spend their time in exercising more than young generation do.
점수: 24 일단 문법적인 부분에 있어서 지적할 부분이 있습니다. 단수 복수 주어에 따른 올바른 동사를 사용하시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분에 있어서 많은 오류들이 있으니 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 또한 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |