▶ Your Answer :
There
might be some people who believe television should be used to
instruct people rather than to entertain them. However I personally
disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First,
people watch TV for fun. Second, TV is not suitable method for
instruction. (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 서술할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
To
begin with, most of the people's purpose of watching TV is having
fun people watch TV to have fun. The list of favorite TV shows which are mostly consist of
entertainment program proves this. Moreover most of education program
have difficulty in getting funding because their watching rate is
quite low has difficulty in attracting people as their rate is low. According to the survey conducted by Korea TV research
center, more than 75 percentage of respondents said that the main
reason why they watch TV is to spend exciting time. This indicates
that TV program maker need to focus on entertainment.
Furthermore,
TV is not qualified means to instruct people. To be specific,
nowadays people who watch TV don't concentrate on TV do not concentrate (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). Usually they do other things like cleaning room or doing laundry while turn on TV watching TV.
This implies that even if TV program tries to instruct people, it is
ineffective. Let me bring up my personal experience as an example.
When For example, when (let me bring up~은 구어체이기 때문에 적절하지 않습니다) I was in high school, my teacher gave our class a homework that
write about lions. And I tried to wath TV documentary for my
assignment to write about lion in which I watched documents to gather knowledge. But eventually I couldn't concentrate on TV because I
coudn't focus on TV, because I'm not used to concentrate on TV show.
In
conclusion, the main reason why people watch TV is for entertaining.
And TV is not a good way for instructing people. In this regard I
believe that TV should be used to entertain people rather than
instruct them.
점수: 23 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫번째는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 내용에 있어서 많이 빈약합니다. 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 자신의 주장을 더 명확하게 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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