■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer
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Topic ▼ https://youtu.be/fY69TzEH7ew?t=3066 유튜브에 나와있는 연습문제입니다.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. |
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Your Answer ▼
Without doubt, a family has been the most important source of financial and emotional support to everyone probably since the beginning of the human race. Personally, I believe that the extended family does not play a role as crucial as before in our life. I think this way for several reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.
To begin with, people nowadays do not see their grandparents or cousins as frequently as a generation ago.(Not appropriate as the topic sentence) Due to the rapid industrialization and urbanization, a lot of people who once used to work in an agriculture has moved to cities to find a job. As a farming requires much human labor, people, especially the extended family members, lived in the vicinity to each other so that they can help each other with arduous farming work. However, those rural culture has been completely changed in the aftermath of industrialization. My family is a compelling example of this. My great grandfather who was a farmer was also a son of a farmer, and his family had been living in the same town for over a 100 years. However, my father and his siblings all left their hometown and move to cities and had jobs such as a teacher, a factory worker, a pharmacist and etc.
Secondly, we modern people do not receive much help of raising children from our extended family anymore.(So?) Because of the same reason I mentioned above that we don’t live close to each other and have less opportunities to meet them, now we don’t expect any help from extended family at least in the area of babysitting. When my grandparents were raising my mother and father, they were back then living with their extended family in the same house and everyone participated in taking care of children and babies. Therefore, the parents who have babies or children could feel safe and secure doing other works besides babysitting because they knew their own families would take good care for their children. However, most of people who left their hometown and move to cities do not have that sort of family support in terms of raising kids.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that the extended family is not as important as in the past. One reason is that we do not have as strong relationship as before as we do not see them as often as before, and the other is that the extended family do not help us with raising kids anymore.
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채점 기준 | Structure | Content | Coherence | Example | Grammar | Vocabulary | Total |
Score (5점 만점) | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 3 |
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Comment | |
- people nowadays do not see their grandparents or cousins as frequently as a generation ago --> 1 번째 topic sentence는 주장 보다는 설명구문에 더욱 가깝습니다. 2 번째 역시 마찬가지로 명료한 주장을 제시하여 주세요.
- 첫 번째 내용에 대한 결론이 다소 모호합니다.
- we와 같은 personal noun이나 etc 같은 단어 사용은 formal essay에서 유의하여 주세요.