In the past, many countries have developed their ecomony regardless of environment. However, the indifference of concerning of environment occur cause many environmental problem, such as extinction of many animals, urban heat island phenomenon, and so on. Nowadays, many developed and developing countries are in a dilemma, which one they should considered more between economy and environment wondering which aspect they need to weigh more value on, economy or the environment. . In this sense, some countries claims claim(ㅠㅠ) improvement of economy is first, and environment is second because low quality of life is more intolerable for human. Furthermore, they claim developed economy brings up advenced technology, and it can solve environmental problem. However, I strongly believe that environment should be thought rather than economy. In this essay, I'll provide some reasons to support my opinion.
인트로잘 쓰셨는데 필요없는 내용(예를들어 반대의견을 furthermore까지 써서 자세히 서술해주는 점 등) 이 많은듯 싶습니다. 회색으로 표시한 문장같은 경우 should be thought는 생각되어야한다는 의미이고 거기서 끝입니다. environment 가 economy보다 중요하게 고려되어야 한다 이말을 영어로 계속 바꾸는데 다양한 어휘사용하는게 쉽지않죠. 계속 같은말을 하려니 식상하고 그럴겁니다. 아예 문장 자체를 뒤집어엎으세요. However, saving environment is not just a matter of money, and its problems are not a solvable with technology either. 이런식으로
First, we should think about our offspring. If we make our world harsh, our offspring will confront many problems even though the problems are not their fault. Environmental problems usually not only cannot be solved easily, but also are not just temporary problems. As a result, the problems, which we made, will be existed existing in the future. Moreover, if we continuously fulfill developing regardless of environment, the problem will worsen. And then, our offspring will be handed over the responsibilities of the problems which they didn't make. It is quite unfair, and we don't want the situation. Ultimate purpose of developing is that makeing my country development is to make the country wealthy and strong, and allowing our children live in more developed and comfortable country. However, if we don't consider about environment and don't try to improve it, we not only cannot fulfill our ultimate goal, but also will be remembered incompetent ancestor.
Second, even though we make great achievement of economy, if we have bad health, it is not successful. That is because health is more valuable and important than money. If we don't touch up our environment, it will threaten our health. Many scientist claims that bad environment occur and encourage many diseases, deformed child phenomenon, and so on. Furthermore, some diseases cannot be treated with modern medical technology. Though the rate of threat is tiny now, it is potential to become serious problem. As a result, we should consider our environment because developed economy has no value without human. To help my opinion, I'll present an example. A man wanted to be a rich, so he always worked to make money without considering of his health. Eventually, he became a rich. However, he discovered that he have an incurable disease because he didn't take care of his health. At that time, he regreted about his indifference of health, but it is too late. In this sense, we can realize that advenced economy is unnecessary without health.
대체로 잘 쓰셨지만 논거가 별로인거같아요.
Intro에서 말씀하신대로 economic well being does not necessarily mean evironmental flawlessness.
이 내용을 설명해주는 식으로 나가셨으면 훨씬 더 훌륭했을 거 같습니다. Intro에서 장황하게 설명하고 바쳐주지않으면 독자가 혼란스럽습니다 :)
In conclusion, we should preserve our environment because of our children, and our health. If we don't do that, not only our offspring will be dangerous, but also we can be dangerous. In other words, because environment is the most important thing to maintain human life, we should preserve it and hand over our children with well-preserved state. |