Some people believe that they do not need to know about irrelevant events with them happening around the world. In my opinion, however, people should be aware of events happening around the world even if it is not related to them for the following reasons.
To begin with, economy is connected around the world. By knowing events in the world, people can not only understand why the price of goods is being changed but also predict the possibility of changing of price. For example, my uncle, who is a professor in the department of international relation, always pays attention to events around the world. Last year, he earned a lot of money from stock market when the oil price was changed in the Middle East since he knew which item is was going to be increased. As economy is related around the world, people cannot earn money and prevent finance financial problems in the future, without understating of events happening around the world.
events around the world 를 무려 5번이나 사용하셨어요.
문장 구조를 바꾸면 충분히 다른표현을 사용할 수 있습니다.
In addition, as far as various diseases nowadays are concerned, it is more desirable for people to pay attention to know what is happening around the world. From SARS to avian flu, globally spreading diseases become one of the distinguish phenomenon in the world. Personally, one time, one of my friends bought a flight ticket and made a hotel reservation to visit to China for her vacation, when the avian flu stared to spread in China because she did not know that the disease seriously happened was a serious problem in China. After she heard the event from me, she had to cancel all her reservations. I doubt that would have not been happened, if she knew about events happening around the world.
As a final point, being aware of events around the world is possible to offer the best chance for people due to the fact that people can get a chance to get a job ??, business contracts, and investment. Once in the past, Dr. Lee, well-known professor at Seoul National University, pointed out in his lecture that people should keep paying attention to know event around the world in the lecture. According to him, owing to know about event around the world, he could get a chance to teach in a University in the United States after he got his doctoral degree from one of the Universities in South Korea. It is because that he knew that some states in the U.S. changed their policy about employment of foreign professor in the University, rather the Universities in those states were forced to employ new foreign professors for cultural diversity on the campus. I doubt that he could have got the job if he had not paid attention to the world news.
conclusion?
근거를 잘 잡으셨으나 body들이 3개치고는 다소 긴것같습니다. Intro는 많이 짧구요.
표현력이나 단어사용, 문장구성의 한계가 많이 보이는데 최대한 식상하지 않은 문장을 만들어보도록 노력하시면 더 훌륭할것 같아요. 주어를 이리저리 바꿔보는 겁니다.
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