nowadays it is very easy to prepare food. is it a good thing? |
as the society progress and we are runing out of time for many reasons such as working, studying and so on (<= 이문장은 주제와 별로 관련이 없는 문장이죠..). we need to spare our time especially for food. there are lots of fastfood restaurants around us and we can get instant and precooked food in any stores. i think it's really good thing. as i mentioned earlier, we are fighting against clock (우리가 시계와 싸우고 있다는 느낌으로 들려서 빼는것이 좋을듯.. ). the more time we save for petty things, the more time we can have for more important things ("Things"라는 표현은 추상적이므로 반드시 예를 드셔야 합니다.). and as the technics and skills are developed in making preprogressed food, we can taste food even better than we cook in our house. (이 문단의 마지막 문장이 main idea 같은데요 좀더 brief 하고 precise 하게 정리해 보세요)
first of all, we are living in very competitive and fast changing world. we need more time for working and developing ourselves.(topic sentence로 쓰실거면 두문장을 합치세요) if we have to spend less time for something, that must be for preparing food and taking care of the remainders after eating, spending time for food means not only time for eating but also preparing and replacing it. that means it not short at all.(for example,) when i was in the unversity i used to live in lent house near my university alone. i had to prepare food by myself. during exam season, however, i could't have time for that, so i just had my meals in restaurents and i could save at least 1hour. that meant i could spend the time i saved to study more for the exam. how efficient it is. (이 문단을 마무리하는 한문장 정도 더 넣어주시고요.. 앞에 topic sentence랑 그 밑에 문장이 좀 추상적이고 길다는 느낌이 있으므로 좀 줄여보시는 것이 좋을듯 싶네요)
in addition,since i'm working at a (grocery store가 좀더 맞는 표현인듯) mart. i can see lots of instant food around me (topic sentence 가 없네요). sometimes i'm surprised because there are various kinds of instant food and other precooked food. the taste is getting better and they are much chipper than fresh ingridients for cooking. in that situration, i can't find any reason for us to cook. for the people who insist that instant food is not good for our health, there are lots of supplements like vitamin c, protein and even fat. we don't have to worry about loosing heath anymore. (이 문단도 마무리 하는 문장이 없네요 예를 들면.. 인스턴트 푸드에도 충분한 영양소가 있기 때문에 많은 시간을 투자하면서 까지 음식을 준비할 필요는 없다.. 뭐 이런식으로..)
in conclusion, since we can't affort to waste and have to save our time for more important things ("Things 다음엔 꼭 예를 드세요~), we need to find ways ("Ways" 어떤?). and lots of restaurants and precooked food are helping us (어떤 면을 돕죠?). some people might say that we can loose our chance to socialize and to have time together. but (However 를 써서 좀더 강력하게 자신의 의견을 보이세요~) these days eventhough we have home made food in our house that doesn't mean we can have together. (<= 이문장은 무슨 의도인지 잘 파악이 안되네요) in addition,aside from eating, there are lots of way for us to gather. most importantly, we need to arrange time as much effectively as we can. that's why i agree with this trend.
전체적으로 어떻게 써야 하는 지는 알고 계시네요.. 하지만.. introduction에 general sentence 와 main idea가 잘 나타나 있지 않고 body paragraph들도 topic sentence가 없네요.. 그것들을 먼저 연습하시면 좋은 결과 받으실듯 싶네요.. (참고로 문법이나 단어 선택의 잘못된 점은 수정하지 않았으니 다시한번 천천히 살펴보세요)
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