A teacher who is serious and strict is more effective than a teacher who is humorous and easygoing
For quiet (quite) as long as I can remember, people have long debated (extensively) whether a teacher who is serious and strict is more effective than a teacher who is humorous and easygoing (똑같이 쓰시기 보단 다른말로 바꿔서 / whether an austere teacher is more effective than easygoing one 뭐 저렇게 쓰셔도 되고). Even though the jury is still out, (I) strongly believe that a teacher who is serious and strict is more effective than the other one. The rationale behind this is that students respect teachers who are serious and strict. Moreover, they have tendency not to obey teachers who are humorous and easygoing.
Therefore(,) this clearly indicates that how crucial it is that (to have) serious and strict teachers (at school)are more effective. (계속 똑같은 단어 반복해서 쓰시는데, 그러시면 참고로 점수 높게 안나와요.)
Additionally, students often disobey humorous and easygoing teachers. Of course it is true that students enjoy their (them) being funny, but many students who are in their notorious adolescent ages, have tendency to look down those teachers. According to a number of prominent scholars on education, a stock of comical teachers are having problem leading their students to the right direction because they do not pay attention to the teachers’ words. This owes to the fact that they do not really respect those teachers but rather consider them to be their friends. On top of that, this can be attributed to the reason that they do not admire those who do not seem to be strict enough to give them severe punishments. Consequently(,) this again is a clear indication of why teachers who are easygoing and comical are not more effective than those who are not.
저 이정도면 몇점나올까요? 부족한점 알려주세요...
그리고 conclusion 꼭써여하나요? body 에 focus 하니까 conclusion 쓸시간이 매번 부족해서...
>>똑같은 단어 + 표현 반복 ㄴㄴ
>> 한 20점 정도 예상해봐요
>> 어떤분은 Conclusion 을 꼭 써야 한다더라고요. 채점자들이 하루에 같은 내용의 에세이를 몇백개를 읽을텐데, Intro+conc 많이 본다고 하더라고요. 시간이 부족하시면 brainstorming + 타자속도 하는 속도 올리셔보세요.
>>전체적으로 보면 문장들이 기네요. 어떤문장은 짧에, 어떤거는 길게, 하면서 variation 을 주는것도 괜찮아요.
부족한 제 개인적인 생각이였습니다..^^