The Internet has become one of the indispensable components of life in our days. Many surverys have already shown its increased importance in completing one's life. The Internet, which provides information any where at any moment, influence on our lives roughtly in two main ways: informing knowledge to oneself and informing oneself to the others. 의미가 불명확합니다.
The Internet, whih provides information any where at any moment, influence our lives roughly in two many ways: informig knowledge to oneself and communicatng with the others.
First of all, as the Internet is often called as the archieve archive of knowledge, people can easily inform themselves attain information thorugh it. Not only jcan they just verify something 단순 verify something 보다는 좀더 구체적으로 표현하시는게 좋겠습니다. , but also they can get various multi-media sources to learn connecting the whole world. Taking personal experiences as example, I study French very efficiently through the Internet. Although I study in South Korea, just typing the address and clicking, I can easily get the news articles in French, and I can register on-line class of grammar and conversation class, even. Plus, I could register to one of the best university in France online. Although it costs somewhat, however, it is much economical comparing with the cost I would have to pay to enroll courses at institutes. Off-thesis Like this Like this 는 다소 약한 접속사입니다. the Internet is one of the most useful sources to be educated.
the Internet is full of sources to get information.
한 body 내에서 일관성이 중요합니다.
정보를 쉽게 얻을수 있다 라는 idea로 시작해서 그 thesis 그대로 끝나야지
정보 얻기가 쉽다에서 education에 가장 좋은 source다라는 idea로 끝나는 것은 좋지 않습니다 :)
For the second reason(we are not talking about reasons), the Internet can be said as is undoubtedly the best way of communicating especially in modern globalized world. Thanks to the Internet, it is possible to see the friends living in the opposite part of the world. Despite of the fact that people still need many infrastructure to utilize the benefits from the Internet, once one has all the equipment, one can connect to any one, at any time, anywhere. The more and the faster is one of the criteria that people are judged nowadays, meaning oneself one also needs to self-brand himself the more and the faster to the world. The Internet is certainly the best way to inform others that you just finished your trip to Japan successfuly by uploading your photo and comments. 이부분을 좀더 break down 해서 서술하시면 좋겠구요,
제가 생각해도 마지막 문장은 좀 쌩뚱맞은듯
... meaning one also needs to self-brand himself more and faster to the world. (여기가 문제의 근원일지도 ㄷㄷ) For example, there is "Facebook" now people use to let others know how they are doing, what they are into. With the Internet, people connect to each other more easily and more often.
body2의 내용은 친구들에게 자신을 알려야한다는 것인지 세상적으로 봤을때 자신을 브랜드화해서 널리 알려야 한다는 말인지 잘 이해하기 힘드니다.
제가보기엔 비교적 참신한 논거내용인데반해 그만큼 독자에게 이해시키려면 자세하고 풍부한 support가 필요하나 body2에서는 뒷받침하는 내용이 너무 약하고 연결이 잘안되며 설득력이 부족해서 아쉽습니다..
갑자기 일본에서 사진올리고 댓글단다는 내용역시 갑작스럽습니다 :)
Since the invention of the Internet, people have benefited not only sharing the knowledge but also keeping in touch with acquaintances. Rather than avoiding taking the benefits for granted, now it is better to think how to use the Internet for the most.
전체적으로 잘 쓰시나
Topic adress에 집중하는것과, idea들의 부드러운 연결과 전개가 다소 부족합니다 :)
역시 .. 작문인가 ㅋㅋ ㄳㄳㅇ |