▶ Your Answer :
A substantial number of people simply tend to speak out that daily homework not only waste a plenty of time from who want to study another subjects, but also it steals students’ chance to be ingenious and creative themselves. Many people believe that daily homework not only wastes students' time but also takes away their creativity. (앞의 구절이 너무 복잡하여 의미를 유추하기 어렵습니다ㅠㅠ 최대한 간결하게 써주세요, 특히나 본론이 아닐 때에는요~) However, the creativity is realized as exuberant knowledges on a wide variety of subjects make harmony. However, creativity is not the only essential skill as true knowledge requires a harmony of both creative innovations and knowledge learned from a variety of subjects. (이 문장 역시, 내용 유추가 어려워 살을 붙여 수정해보았습니다ㅠㅠ 의도가 틀릴수 있더라도 참고만 해주세요~) In this sense, It is important to study oneself for students to study on a regular basis with various effective methods that help students to level their unbalanced knowledges among the different subjects. Introduction paragraph의 구조에 대해 약간 헷갈리신 것 같아요ㅠㅠ 먼저, introduction paragraph에서는 간단한 서두와 (보통 general information으로 시작하죠), 가장 중요한 thesis statement가 있습니다. Thesis statement 에서는 주제와 주장을 제시하고, 근거들을 명확하게 나열해주셔야 합니다. 글을 되게 멋스럽게 쓰시는 것을 좋아하시는 것 같으신데요, 복잡한 문장 구조나 단어보다는 정확하게 내용 전달을 해주셔야 합니다. Thesis statement가 글의 전체적 구조를 잡아주는 중요한 역할을 하니, 꼭 참고해주세요~
Above all, daily assignments allow students to study regularly. Studying steadily with preparing one’s homework everyday, makes a habit to study oneself, and that will be maintained constantly for lifelong, affecting another aspect of their lives. Doing homework everyday will eventually create a constant habit, which will be helpful in the future. It could be applied to their jobs, exercises or diverse a variety of activities. To illustrate, one of my academic advisors had been harried me every class by assigning bulk of pages to be read even I has onerous another assigns. In At that time, honestly, it makes me extremely irritated since I was extremely irritated because ("since"는 시간의 경과를, "because"는 원인 제공을 합니다) I thought that was nothing more than hassle. But shortly, I was getting easy to read laborious books and summarize them concisely as well. But eventually, I was getting used to reading laborious books and summarizing them concisely. In the end, the habit that prepare in advance all the time offers this habit has provided great opportunities to become successful succeed in my career in return. Then Thus, I think daily assignments are strongly needed. 먼저, 제시해주신 예시는 적절하고 좋습니다. 자신의 개인적 경험을 토대로 하여 설득력있게 잘 설명해주셨네요. 다만, 전체적인 문장 구조가 상당히 복잡하고 조금 어색한 어휘 표현때문에 내용을 유추하기가 힘들어요ㅠㅠ 특히, 핵심 내용이 아닌 부분은 간단하게만 써주셔도 되니, 본론에 더 디테일을 많이 써주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 또, 예시와 핵심 주장을 엮는 논리적 연결을 써주시면 훨씬 좋을 것 같네요. 숙제를 하는 습관이 구체적으로 어떻게 도움을 줬는지에 대해 확장하여 서술하시면 될 것 같습니다~ Also, the most assignment which teachers give daily are in a well-rounded curriculum generally daily assignment that teachers give daily are mostly in a well-rounded curriculum. Almost all students need a guideline guidelines to study effectively because the subjects usually cover a wide variety and are often very difficuly. which they have to learn are considerably wide and difficult to be organized. As teachers usually give out the assignments fitted efficient curriculum to their students and manage them scheduled thoroughly (미완성 문장입니다, 확인해주세요~). In this process, students who have unbalanced grades in subjects, especially those who avoid particular subject with difficulties subjects that they difficulties in, are able to build adaptability through a balanced set of a balance among the subjects, complementing one another. For instance, one of my friends who are is erudite in mathematics had been frustrated by hardships from the difficulties in other subjects. However, when he got understanding started to understand to some common principals, his grade point average improved by a lot was surged subsequently. An assignment as research to find relations between math and other subjects, such as literature, sociology, even history, helped him could get understand the universal logic and its structure. Through this case, daily homework are certainly helpful for students. 제시해주신 예시가 주제를 뒷받침하기는 하지만 좀 더 효과적인 예시를 찾으신다면 더욱 좋을 것 같아요. 앞에서는 자신의 경험/일화를 바탕으로 설명해주셨으니, 이번에는 전문 정보나 지식을 토대로 쓰신다면 예시들이 다양하고 풍부해질 것 같아요. 또, 전체적으로 고급 어휘에 너무 신경쓰시다 보니, 핵심 내용이 조금 부족하고, 주어/동사/목적어/수식어들의 위치가 엉켜 있어 이해하기가 어렵습니다. 어찌되었는 가장 중요한 것은 내용을 얼마나 효과적으로 전달하느냐가 관건이니, 어휘 부분은 나중에 신경쓰셔도 될 것 같네요~
To sum up, daily assignments could not only make students to concentrate and preserve their study, adapting it’s methods to another part of its lives helpfully, but also help them to supplement unskilled fields by using of the advantages through the subject that are familiar with. For these reasons, I strictly agree with the necessity of daily assignments for students. Conclusion paragraph가 갖춰야할 요소는 모두 잘 갖추고 있는 것 같습니다. 주제와 주장의 재강조도 명확했고, 다른 말로 바꾸어 표현하려 하신 부분이 아주 좋습니다. 다만, 복잡하게 긴 한 문장보다는 짧더라도 핵심 내용만 담는 문장을 써주시는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다.
좋은 글은: Addressing topic, Task Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications Unity, Profession, Coference Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy 들을 다 갖춰야해요
부연 설명을 굉장히 디테일하게 잘 써주셨어요. 다만, 전반적으로 아이디어는 좋으신데, 글 구조나 어휘가 복잡하여 내용 전달력을 오히려 떨어트릴 수 있어요 ㅠㅠ 토플 라이팅은 주어진 지문을 얼마나 정확하게 표현하느냐가 중요하니, 이 점 참고해주세요~ 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
3.75/5 -> 24/30 |