▶ Your Answer :Some people shout out that the invention of the microwave and increasing increase of fast food restaurants ruin the health of generations. I disagree with those people. I think that microwaves and fast food restaurants improve our quality of life. Most importantly, people can save unnecessary time to cook (문단의 시작이므로 뭐로 인해 이렇게 될 수 있었는지에 대해 다시 한번 상기시켜주세요.). For about millions of years, people have acted on instinct. They ate when they were hungry and slept when they were worn out. However, I think people are likely to restrict their instinct nowadays. They are working on science, art, social issues and so on. Thus, people have insufficient time to pursue instincts all the time. For that reason, it is necessary to find a way to reduce time fulling human's stomach. 여기까지의 내용을 더 간결하게 줄여서 설명해주세요. 중요한 부분에 대한 집중 투자가 이루어져야 합니다.) For instance, I could not help having lunch with a cup ramen due to tomorrow's exam. And for that, I could got A in history. I am not sure that the ramen helped me to got a high score, but I am sure that I could utilitize time that I collected from yesterday's lunch. (여기의 경우도, 일단 문장을 and but so 로 시작해서는 안 되고, 또한 성적 자체에 대한 언급보다는 그냥 편리성, 불필요 시간 등에 대해서만 언급하는 게 나아요.) Next, fast food, and food for microwave are cheap. People might think cooking in the kitchen is the cheapest way to consume food. There are some kinds of junk food more expensive than cooking in resident, but if we consider the payment for labor we do, include buying ingredients to washing dishes, we can say that fast food restaurants and food for microwave are the best way financially. However, food for microwave and fast food are cheaper than cooking. For example, ramen in Korea costs about 1.5 dollars. On the contrary, a bunch of vegetables cost about 3 dollars. Additionally, if my mom wants to cook, vegetables are not the only ingredients to prepare. She has to buy turmeric powder if to make curry, and rice for sure. I think if people develop continuously, it is essential to contemplate the way to reduce time for consuming food. Microwaves and fast food restaurants are important to our society.
총평: 본론 첫 번째 문단은 핵심 내용이 있지만 이에 대한 비중이 그렇게 크지는 않고, 오히려 다소 불필요하고 문단의 전반적인 흐름을 방해하는 쪽의 내용들에 더 집중이 되어있는 편이므로 이 문단을 위주로 수정해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다 :) |