Large number of people might argue that it is okay to allow television advertising directed toward young children. Contrary to popular belief, In contrast to the popular belief I think that there are more harm than good when young children are exposed to television advertisements which are especially targeted to them. This is because such advertisements negatively affect children’s sense of economy and stop children from having broaden perspectives. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할필요가 없습니다)
First of all, advertisements directed toward youngsters can ruin children’s economic concept. Kids in early age learn the concept of money through watching their parents. Yet, through television advertising, young children will easily be attracted and nag his or her their (his or her가 가르키는 것이 young children이기 때문에 복수 주어로 서술하여야 합니다) parents to buy the product which in turn will lead them to lose control. For instance, my friend’s parents both had full-time job and had a babysitter to look after my friend’s little sister. Babysitter used to let her watch television while she was cleaning the house. While watching television, she saw a toy advertisement and was strongly attracted to the toy. Since then, she started to scream and cry nagging her parents to buy her toys. This implies that television advertising directed toward youngsters are harmful to children.
Moreover, television advertising hinder children from gaining wider perspectives advertisement hinders children to get wider perspectives. To be specific, young kids learn to have a broader view through interacting with peers rather than watching television. As the purpose of television advertising is to lure youngsters to buy its product, it only provide provides (it은 단수 주어 입니다) a good side, children can hardly learn to diversity. For instance, according to the Ministry of Education of Korea in 2011, there was a huge difference between two groups of youngsters in achievement. Children in group A were required to watch television which included game advertising, and those in group B were asked to play hide and seek as a group. The study found out that the latter group showed more acceptance to different opinions than the former group. This indicates that children are unlikely to gain broader perspectives when exposed to television advertising.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that television advertising targeted toward youngsters should not be allowed. When children are exposed to such advertising, they will not only get negative affect in terms of economic concept, they will also end up getting narrow mind effect in terms of economic concept, but also end up getting narrow mind. (affect는 동사 입니다 명사가 아닙니다)
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지금 이 에세이는 약간의 문법적 오류들과 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. 이러한 부분들은 제가 지적한 부분들을 보시면서 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 전체적으로 이러한 오류 이외에는 잘 서술한 독립형 에세이입니다. 각 단락들이 아주 논리정연하게 왜 아이들에게 광고를 보여주면 안되는 지를 구체적으로 잘 설명하고 있습니다. 수고많으셧습니다.